Finally Pregnant!

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Monday, July 25, 2011

Updated Blog

I'm moving to a new blog that my family and friends can follow along with also.  Please follow this new blog...

Warning:  The blog is a continuation of our journey, but will be documenting the baby now too.  It will have some pregnancy related info and photos.  If you don't want to follow along, I completely understand and won't be offended.  I just wanted to create a site where our family and friends could be updated on the baby's progress too.  We don't want to post pics and excessive updates on facebook, so we thought a blog would be the best way.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

One Healthy Hearbeat

One healthy beautiful heartbeat!  Sadly the twin was actually a vanishing twin and the other sac was much smaller and could barely be seen.  I am so grateful for our one healthy baby, we were able to see and hear the heartbeat.  Which was absolutely amazing!  I'm 9 weeks today, so I'm still in that nervous stage.  I'm worried about the quality of my uterus after the septum resection and just hoping everything is going to be okay.  I was released from the RE today.  Graduating from their office was bittersweet.  I'm going to miss the staff there, but I'm definitely not going to miss infertility treatment.  I have my next appointment with my regular OB in 4 weeks, which seems like forever.  I'm not going to be able to see my baby for 4 weeks.  I'm going to be so nervous for the remainder of the first trimester.   I feel so blessed right now, God is good.

Monday, July 11, 2011

One Maybe Two

We had our first ultrasound last week and I'm still a little in shock.  We had 2 sacs, but could only see 1 baby and 1 heartbeat in one of the sacs.  The empty sac looked a lot smaller than the other one.  We are not sure if it's a sac that didn't develop or we just couldn't see anything yet because it's so early.  I would have been about 6 weeks and 3 days at that point.  So the doctor said there is a 50/50 chance we are having twins!  I didn't expect that, but I'm excited.  It took a few days for the news to settle in and next week we'll know for sure if it's twins or just one.  I was relieved to see at least one heartbeat but am a little concerned about the empty sac.  This is going to be a long week waiting for the next ultrasound.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Cautiously Happy

I called the doctor and they wanted me to find a lab in FL to have my first beta.  It was kind of a wild goose chase trying to find a hospital or lab on Saturday where the doctor could fax the order down.  We eventually found somewhere to run the test.  My first beta came back at 161 mIU/hcg!  That was 14 days post ovulation and the nurse said that number is really good.  So now it's official I'm pregnant and I'm excited!  I'm definitely a little cautious as I know I'm still in the early stages and I know I'm not completely out of the woods yet.  I still want to enjoy the excitement right now and just be happy.  In 2 weeks, I have my first scan and visit with Dr. A.  I can't wait for that.  We will continue to pray for the health of our baby as we are so thankful for this little miracle.  I also want to thank everyone for their well wishes and prayers.  I really appreciate keeping us in your thoughts and prayers right now.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Am I dreaming?

I tested early, which I know I know, I'm not supposed to do that.  I just couldn't resist.  I had a feeling, a feeling that this may be it, a feeling that I needed to test.  To my surprise, there it is was a second line.  I was so used to seeing stark white pregnancy tests that I was in disbelief.  It was faint but it was there.  I had to confirm with C to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me.  But they weren't, that faint little line was there!  Now I'm 11 dpo and my third positive test is shown below.  You may have to look real close, but that second line is there.  I promise you it is. 

I have a million thoughts, emotions and feelings running through my mind right now that I'm still trying to process.  I don't want to get too excited as I know that this could end up chemical and be a total letdown.  I still need to go to the doctor and have a blood test to confirm.  Unfortunately, I leave tomorrow for FL and I won't be able to get the test done until I get home.  I'm so happy and excited, but yet have so many worries about the pregnancy.  I can't wait until I can actually see that little heartbeat.  I think I need that confirmation in order to believe that this is really all real and not a fantasy.  But for now I'm pregnant...and I'm happy.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Something to Laugh At

Now if only I would have just listened to this at-home advice maybe I could just boost my fertility.  Thanks to the Bump for sending me this today.  Who needs doctors or medications, as the bump suggest I just need to eat healthy, stay calm, and not smoke then I can increase my fertility.  What a joke?  Must have been written by some super fertile woman who thinks she has solved the mystery to infertility.  I despise getting these nonsense articles in my inbox from people who have no concept of infertility treatments what-so-ever. 

Below is how the link to the article is worded and the link.  I'm just glad the Bump has told me that I don't need doctors or drugs.  I mean we just all love throwing our money away on something we don't need right? When all we really needed to do was stay calm.

6 all-natural fertility boosters

Now you can boost your fertility without any doctors or drugs -- and the best part? You don't even need to leave your house to do it. Read on for these six easy lifestyle changes that up your chances of seeing that BFP. (And hey, you'll have an excuse to get an uber-relaxing massage!)
Boost your fertility now

Monday, June 6, 2011

Here We Go Again

This past week I had my follicle check or as I like to call it my egg hatching check to see how many eggs I'm going to lay this month.  I have to find some humor in the monthly follicle check appointments.  So I have 3 mature follicles ready to go.  They are surprisingly on my left side this month.  Normally my right side takes dominance but this month it's my left.  This is probably a good thing because my left side seems to have less scar tissue and less damaged.   The IUI went smoothly 2 days later and now we wait.  C's counts were better than usual.  His counts/motility, etc are normally pretty good, but this month even better than normal.  I think it's because he stopped taking some of the supplements the embryologist in our group told him were really bad for him.  The sad part is when we picked up the paper and specimen from the lab I can now read the whole semen analysis and I said wow that's great and Dr. A said the same.   Dr A said it was the best he'd seen the whole day! :)  Some good news.  So if it doesn't work it's all my fault, just kidding!  Again I'm learning way more about fertility than I ever wanted to know though.  I wish we were just one of those couples who could conceive the old fashioned way, I sometimes envy them.  Oh well, I always say God could have given us worse things in life.  This is what we have in our plan and others' plans our different, but I'm sure not everyone's has  the perfect plan either.  There are always obstacles in life.  But doesn't it feel like when you are TTC everyone else just has it so much easier because they don't have to deal with this same issue.  I'm sure that's not the case, but I feel that way sometimes.  It just seems so unfair.  Everything is in God's hands now and I must tell myself to let it go.  It's not in my control.  I'm trying to not be as obsessive this month either.  I'm not taking every little supplement/vitamin I ever heard would work and I'm not obssessing that I have to be at yoga or have to do this on this day.  It's not in my control and I can't change that.  This was actually the 3rd IUI (4th month on meds), so maybe the 3rd time is a charm.  I just need to find a way to deal with the disappointment this month if it's not our time yet.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Break Over

Af decided to surprise me a day early.  Then on top of all of it I had severe cramping and I mean on the floor I thought I was going to die cramping.  I have never had to call in sick to work for cramping.  This was on cycle day 2/3 of my cycle.  I didn't know what was going on.  I was passing pieces of bloody tissue at this point.  So in my mind I thought I was having a miscarriage.  Any similar advice would be appreciated??  So after 12 hours of no let up and heavy bleeding, I left a message for the doctor.  The only good thing was I think pretty much all of my swelling went down at this point.  After finally getting in touch with the doctor's office, I immediately went in to see them.  He wanted to check the uterus for scar tissue and blood buildup because he thought that there might be complications from the surgery.  He said that wasn't the case though.  He said he thought it was just a really bad period and gave me some pain pills.  I don't know though.  I tend to think it was just my body still in the healing process.  I ended up bleeding very heavy and for 6 days, very rare for me.  Please if anyone has experienced anything similar, I would really appreciate input?  So I'm continuing on with the cycle because I don't want to waste time as the endo has just been removed.  I'm hoping this hasn't hindered any chances and caused any problems, though I don't have any real answers. 

I'm trying to think of the positives right now to stay hopeful for the next cycle.  It's not been easy.

1.  AF started early, so the break is officially over.  The medicated cycles are started again.  I'm done taking the femara for this cycle.
2.  I need to just let everything from the past go, all bad cycles all bad feelings, let it all go and think positive, nothing but positive thoughts, everything is going to work out one way or another.
3.  The endo is gone for now.  It's a clean slate in there.
4.  We are going on vacation in a few weeks.  So matter what the results are of the first IUI, I'll be on the beach!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

1 Picture

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

2 Songs

I love so many songs so it's hard to pick just 2.

1.  Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat (this was our wedding song)
2.  Just Breathe by Pearl Jam (one of my favorite songs recently and my all time favorite band)

Monday, May 23, 2011


I'm already preparing for what I know is going to be a rough week.  I'm due for af either tomorrow or Wednesday.  Which even though this is only one month post surgery and we didn't do treatment this month, it's still always a downer when she shows up.  We are also having my MIL's birthday party at our house this weekend.  So they'll be kids galore, even kids staying with us overnight.  I know it's going to make me sad.  His whole family will be here, people I've never meant and I'm already trying to prepare myself for the "When are you having children?" question over and over again.  At least I'll be at home where I can go in my bedroom and have several breakdowns all weekend. 

Please God help me have the strength to hold it together this week and weekend.  I know it won't be easy but please help to guide me through this difficult time as I still have faith in your plan and will embrace every new opportunity this journey may bring.  As they say, God wouldn't give us anything he didn't think we could handle.  So maybe I should be jealous of all the super fertile people.  God gives them children easier because he doesn't think they have the strength to make it through such a difficult journey.  I'm just trying to make myself feel better.  I'm still trying to figure out what the meaning of all this pain is, I know there has to be a reason I'm being put through this super emotional and difficult time.  I guess it helps me in holding it all together.

3 Films

So today is 3 films.  There are a lot of movies I like so I'm just going to list 3 that come to mind.

1.  The Blind Side
2.  13 Going on 30
3.  Eat Pray Love (I would really like to read the book next)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

4 TV Shows

Sorry I've gotten behind on this.  Today is 4 books and I have to admit I'm not much of a reader though I'd like to be. So I'm changing it to 4 TV Shows.  I know that is bad, but I'd rather list 4 tv shows than books.

1.  How I Met Your Mother
2.  American Idol
3.  Bill and Giuliana
4.  The Office

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Patience is a Virtue


I'm trying to be patient but it's becoming really hard.  I'm having one of those days where I feel like everyone is pregnant or has children except me.  I love my infertility support group but lately on the board there's been a lot of pregnancy announcements.  I'm so thrilled for all of them, they deserve it more than anyone.  But deep down I wonder "Am I going to be the lone infertile left".  Because I feel that way right now.  And I'm back on Facebook in order to be a part of the group, and damn you facebook.  It's a constant reminder of everyone is pregnant or has their family and I get to see all their repetitive pictures, Yay Me!  They need a special facebook filter for people struggling with infertility.  Please block all annoying pregnant women who feel the need to update about every aspect of their pregnancy and give us a day by day update.  We know your pregnant you've told us everyday.  Also block constant photos of children from the day they were born and everyday after.  Some photos of your children are fine, but there needs to be a limit.  I don't need to see every minute of the kid's life.  I don't care.  Facebook can you make this happen so people like me struggling can actually log in to your site without wanting to throw myself off a bridge afterwards.  Thanks.

So one more week and I will start my period and be moving onto my next cycle.  I can already feel a little cramping starting, so I know she's on her way.  I just love how she has to let me know a week in advance, isn't that nice of her to give me the notice of her arrival.  I was just hoping this cramping would stop with the endo gone but I guess not.  It makes me worried that something else is wrong.  I'm just trying to find the patience within myself.  I know this is going to take time and I need to embrace God's plan.  But it's so hard.  I want it right now, I feel like I've waited long enough.  I can't endure anymore pregnancy announcements or baby showers or kids' birthday parties.  Haven't I suffered long enough, I'll be 32 in 2 weeks.  I just want my happily ever after.  I want to start my family.  I have so many plans and I feel like they are on hold.  I just need to find the strength to start these cycles with an open mind and hopeful heart. 

5 Foods

Five Favorite Foods:

1.  Mexican food particularly tacos and queso
2.  Fondue especially chocotate fondue
3.  Filet Mignon
4.  Grouper
5.  Tuna salad

Sunday, May 15, 2011

6 Places

6 Places I'd love to visit:

1.  Greece
2.  Paris
3.  Bahamas
4.  Italy
5.  Aruba
6.  Cabo

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Needle Me

Who would of thought getting poked with needles could be so relaxing?  C & I did acupuncture last night and it was amazing.  I think I enjoyed it more than C.  I had what he calls the dragon treatment.  It is supposed to help with stress and he said a lot of his patients get pregnant just by having the dragons done on them.  Let's hope.  He needled from head to toe particularly in my abdomen region, probably because that is where I need the most energy flow and release of blockages.  I could feel the needles going in but then they didn't hurt at all.  He applied heat and then left the room so I could relax and just enjoy.  It really is relaxing and afterwards I felt calm and somewhat sleepy.   I would definitely recommend acupuncture just for the help with de-stressing and starting new.  I think it was the perfect time to have the treatment because we will be starting fresh in less than 2 weeks.  I want to have a clear mind and put all previous fertility treatments behind me.

7 Wants

Today is my 7 wants...

1.  Obviously I want a healthy baby and the sooner the better ;)
2.  I really want to experience pregnancy but mostly I just want a family
3.  I want good health for all my family
4.  I want to go on a relaxing vacation and take a break from work
5.  I want to just feel happiness and peace.  I want to be content with my life.
6.  I want to have the best marriage possible.  I don't want my marriage to be compromised from infertility, I want it to become stronger.
7.  I want to not hold grudges anymore.  I want to move on from the past and truly put it behind me.  I want to forgive and forget or just forget and start the next chapter of my life.

Friday, May 13, 2011

8 Fears

My eight fears:

1.  Well obviously #1 would be the fear of never having children/family
2.  Heights - I hate them
3.  Flying - I really don't like flying it makes me nervous but the end result is always worth it.
4.  Spiders/Roaches - Really any kind of bug or rodent - I'm scared of them
5.  Fear of something bad happening to a close family member or friends/ I always worry about their safety and fear something happening to them.
6.  Fear of not making the right decisions.  Right now I have a fear of whether or not I'm being treated by the right doctor or should I switch.  I want to make sure I'm doing everything right to improve my chances.
7.  Fear of losing my dog.  I can't imagine my life without her, especially right now.  She keeps me sane during this journey.
8.  Fear of failure, not just infertility related but failure in every aspect of my life.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

9 Loves

1.  My husband
2.  My dog
3.  Mexican food
4.  Yoga
5.  Listening to the rain while I sleep
6.  Starbucks - skinny vanilla lattes are my favorite
7.  Clothes and purses - I love to shop
8.  Pearl Jam, (Eddie Vedder)
9.  The beach and the ocean
10. The Bengals even though they suck right now

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

10 Day You Challenge

I saw this challenge on another blog and thought it would be fun to try!

So today is Ten Secrets about Me:

1.  My IF is a secret to most people, I don't share this blog with anyone I personally know and am somewhat embarrassed that I'm having fertility problems.  I feel like a failure and less of a person because I haven't been able to have children yet and don't know if I ever can.
2.  I started off as a pre-pharmacy major in college and then switched to business.  I really regret that decision and wish I could go back and do something different with my life.  I would really like to go back to school and change my career.
3.  I treat my dog like a person.  I sing to her and make up songs about her.  I secretly hope I can raise my children as well as I did my dog, because she is pretty awesome!
4.  I'm starting to embrace my infertility journey.  I think it is helping me to connect with God on a different level.  I also am meeting some amazing people through this experience and truly believe God is sending us on this journey for a reason.  Someone said to me on a message board today "Thank you for your comment.  It reminds me that I'm not alone."  That comment really touched my heart because I know how alone I have felt.  To me, making someone else feel not alone makes me realize I've achieved a different success and makes me happy.
5.  I'm terrified of adopting right now.  I really want to be able to control my child's pre-natal care and adoption scares me because I won't have control of what my child is exposed to before in my care.
6.  I was in an extremely emotionally and verbally abusive marriage before meeting and marrying my love.  Most people do not know how emotionally abused I was.  That marriage ending was the best thing in life that ever happened to me and I'm so thankful God found my way out of that.  It took some counseling to recover and honestly I could have used more.  I'm so thankful for the relationship I'm in now and know how it feels to be truly loved. 
7.  I don't miss my abusive marriage but I miss some of the friendships I had prior.  I lost a lot of friendships with my marriage ending.  I had to learn the hard way who my true friends were and most importantly who weren't my true friends.  I still have trust issues because of this.
8.  I'm back on facebook but it really annoys me at times.  I like my support group in facebook that's why I use it.  But honestly fb can be a difficult and cruel world at times. 
9.  I tried to give up caffeine but I can't.  I'm addicted to it and need it to get through the day.  I especially love coffee.
10.  I would love to live in another city.  Ohio really bores me and I think it would be so exciting for C & I to move somewhere else.  I would love a fresh start and the adventure of us learning about and living in a new town.  One that is not so far but maybe at max 5 - 6 hours from home so we can still come visit on weekends.

Monday, May 9, 2011

A Weekend Away

I survived another Mother's Day!  It wasn't easy, but I'm still alive :)  This weekend we went to Nashville just to get away and enjoy ourselves.  We stayed at the Opryland Resort and Spa and it was an amazing place.  The resort was huge and it was very beautiful.  They had gardens and waterfalls throughout the resort and also many restaurants, bars, and shopping.  We didn't get to lay by the pool which I would have liked, but we still had a great time.  I wish we could have stayed one extra day.  One Mother's Day, we both went and got pedicures and manicures at a really nice salon.  It was a great way to spend the weekend and relax.  I needed to get my mind of Mother's Day and it was perfect.  My sister also kept my dog, Lilly.  Lilly has been so sad lately and she had an exciting weekend with my nephews.  She had a blast and my sister loved having her.  She wanted to keep her :)  So it all worked out and Lilly got to have a little vacation too!  Sometimes I feel bad for her because we don't have any kids or other dogs for her to play with or keep her company.  I think she gets lonely during the day and it kind of makes me sad.
On a fertility note, I used OPK's this month to help predict my natural ovulation a little more accurately.  I was excited to actually get a positive, so I know ovulation is on it's way.  I'm happy that I'm already ovulating one month after surgery.  Hopefully that means my ovaries are in good shape, now my crappy uterus just needs to get on board with the rest of the team!  So I'm still a little swollen and my ovulation has been painful this month.   Getting pregnant this cycle might not be the best thing for me, since I'm still in the healing process.  But it's not going to stop us from trying!  But either outcome I'm pretty much okay with :)  We have acupuncture scheduled for Friday and I'm really looking forward to that.  I'm hoping it relieves my stress and relaxes me just like everyone says it will do.

Friday, May 6, 2011

God's Plan

So as we all know Sunday is the most dreaded day of the year for almost all infertile girls.  I loathe this holiday every year, and this year is no different.  Should I say it, I hate to even say it, Mother's Day.  It's an annual reminder of the fact that I'm infertile and can't be a mom, but it feels like everyone else is.  As everyone celebrates with their children, there I sit alone again another year, with just my furbaby.  Whom I love, but it's not the same.  I love my mom to pieces, but I still hate the holiday.  Not because I have a bad mother-daughter relationship.  Our relationship is fabulous, but I hate the reminder that I'm 31 and no kids again.  So what are we doing, heading out of town and forgetting about the whole holiday. Yes, we are going away for the weekend, just C and I.  I'm going to focus on us this weekend and forget about this whole mom's day thing. 

Right now instead of focusing on the negative, I want to focus on the positive experiences going on in our lives.

  • I had my post-op appointment last week and we are good to go to start treatment on the start of my next cycle.  The endo was only stage I, very minimal, and it's gone (at least for now).  The septate was half my uterus and then my uterus is still bicornuate.  The septum is gone which could have been causing implantation problems and the endo is gone which could have been causing implantation and egg quality problems.  The doctor is very optimistic and thinks we can just start out with femara and iui's again.  So that leads me to have some optimism too, because with his experience I'm pretty sure he's seen it all.  He's not going to sugar coat anything for us.  If he has hope, then so do I.
  • My last cycle started right on time 28 days surprisingly after the surgery.  I'll be ready to start treatment at the end of May!
  • Our support group has helped so much.  I enjoy meeting with the girls and couples every week and it's so nice to have support from people who truly understand.  I love the fact we are all there to support each other through this difficult journey.  We've also been able to receive a ton of information about different aspects of infertility, local doctors, local adoption agencies, etc.
  • I truly believe that this is all in God's plan for us.  As I sit in reflect on infertility, instead of constantly asking "Why me?" anymore, I'm slowly but surely coming to realize that this is just a journey that God is taking us through.  In the end, we will have a family, maybe naturally, maybe through adoption, but we will have the end result we want.  God gave me these infertility issues for a reason.  And thinking through it all, God maybe did this to help me out of the first horribly, abusive relationship I was in prior and to bring me to my true soulmate, C.  Without infertility, I may not have ever been able to find my true love.  And now maybe it has continued because I found this support group and we are continuing to support each other.  Maybe God wanted me to be there to support others and meet these other incredibly strong, amazing people for a reason.  God is having us wait for a reason, I'm not exactly sure for what reason yet but I know there is a plan.  I'm developing a better relationship with C and myself and with God as I continue through this journey to our family.
  • This 3 month break was just what the doctor ordered for C and I's relationship.  I feel like we have reconnected and our back on the same page with everything.  I feel great about going into treatment in a few months and think I can handle it without being too much of an emotional disaster.  Let me emphasize the too much, I'm sure I'll be emotional at times throughout our continued journey.  But I'm hoping maybe I can deal with things a little better this time around.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Random Mix of Emotions

So this entire week I've been having this random mix of emotions that have been going through my head.  I think it's partly my hormones raging and trying to get back on track after the surgery and partly me just being me.
  • Frustration - Due to the fact that I'm still waiting for my next period to start and then waiting another cycle to try to conceive again.  Then possibly waiting cycle after cycle after cycle for a bfp and then maybe never getting a bfp.  I keep thinking when do we start IVF, when do we start looking into adoption.  Do we have enough money saved?  I'm driving myself nuts.  I just want to start these cycles again and I just want things to work!
  • Anticipation - That maybe this last surgery fixed my issue.  Dr. C said in the last support group that endo eliminates a beta 3 protein that is necessary for implantation and when lap surgery removes endo the beta 3 is immediately restored.  So will having the beta 3 restored and the septum removed fix our implantation problem.  I don't know, but I'm in anticipation to start trying again to find out.  Dr. A told me to have patience though, we could need several cycles for this to work again.  I need to find this patience!
  • Guilt - I feel like I've shut down a lot the last few years since I've been dealing with this.  To be honest it's just really hard to deal with and talk about.  It's not that I'm angry at anyone or I don't care but I deal better alone.  To be honest pregnancy announcements anymore make me so depressed.  I feel bad because sometimes it's even hard at family functions because I'm the only one without children.  It's not that I don't love my nieces and nephews, but it's hard to watch everyone interact with their children and desire so bad to have that interaction.  To be honest I feel like I don't fit in anymore at family events, I feel alone and it's hard.  I feel left behind and like a failure.  "The one that can't bring children into the family."  I think some relatives get angry and feel like I cut myself off.   They can't understand the way I feel and nor do I expect them to, but sometimes I wish they'd at least try to look at things in my perspective just a little.  I know it's not healthy to deal with this all alone and this support group is my first step on getting back out there and dealing with this
  • Depression - My heart aches with the desire to become a mother.  I can't stand the fact of this never happening.  And me being the planner that I am plays out every what-if scenario in my head.  What-if we go to IVF and that doesn't work, what-if we can't go through with adoption, what if we do adoption and  noone chooses us.  C has to bring me back down to earth and reassure me that we will have a child one way or another and I need to stop overthinking every situation.  I'm so glad he does this because it makes me feel so much better.
As I'm working through all my thousands of emotions right now, I do know that I still do have a glimpse of hope and sometimes more than a glimpse at times.  I also know that I need to let go and it's not up to me.  It' up to God.  And know matter what I do, I can't change God's plan.  No matter what I do it's not going to change that.  So right now I need to focus on myself.  I need to focus on destressing and just letting life take it's course.  I need to start getting back into yoga and meditation.  I've scheduled acupuncture with Dr. C.  And on Mother's Day weekend we are "conveniently" going out of town for a little weekend to ourselves.   It's time to stop trying to control something that has been completely out of my control.

Monday, April 18, 2011

We Are Not Alone

Last week we went to our first IF support group meeting.  I was really nervous about going, but I'm really glad we went.  Not only was it great to meet a great group of people but the group will also be providing throughout the session a great amount of IF resources.  They will bring in different groups and doctors each week to discuss things such as acupuncture and they will be having a demo, adoption resource group, doctors from IF clinics to openly ask questions about IVF and shared risk programs, etc etc.  I'm excited about the amount of information we will be able to obtain.  But most importantly talking with the others in the group made me feel so not alone anymore.  It was so important to discuss my feelings with people who truly understood.  Fertile people just don't get it and I feel like lately a lot of people who do know aren't very compassionate.  I don't think they mean to come off this way, but they just don't understand.  So having the compassionate feeling and the true understanding even just once a week or once a month will make a difference.  I hope we can provide just as much support to others as they will provide to us. 
On another note, today I feel almost 100% recovered.  Last week I mainly had a lot of shoulder pain from the gas they pump into your abdomen.  And my stomach would still hurt if I pushed too hard.  But I have recovered nicely and am anxious for my cycles to get back on track so we can get started again.  I hope and pray that we will have success sometime in the next 6 months or so with this septum being gone now.  But again I don't want to get my hopes up too high.  My post-op is next week, I'm anxious to hear what Dr. A has to say.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Surgery Update

Here is a recap on the surgery last Friday.   On Thursday before the Surgery, I went in for my pre-op appointment with Dr. A.  He was excellent in explaining the surgery in detail and even showed us a video of how he would be cutting the septum out of the uterus.  He then measured my cervix which caused a little cramping but nothing horrible and checked the softness of the cervix.  He said everything looked good and I was in good shape for the surgery.  I was given a prescription for vicodin and also a cervix softener which would help with the hysteroscopy.
So Thursday evening I took the cervix softener before bed and it did cause some cramping throughout the night, sometimes intense.  I did have to take a tylenol to try to ease the pain, which didn't help much.  By Friday morning, I still had some mild cramping and was ready to just get to the hospital and get the surgery over with. 
On Friday, my surgery was scheduled at 11:00 am so I had to arrive around 9:30.  They took me back pretty much right away and started prepping me for the surgery.  I did ask the anestheseiologist for an anti-nausea medication to help with my post-op nausea.  He was very nice and accomodating and told me he'd create a good cocktail for me. :)  The surgery started a little late because of other morning surgeries lasting longer than expected.  So we just hung out in the pre-op room for a little longer, which was fine these rooms were comfortable, private and had tv's.  Much nicer than some of the other pre-op rooms/spaces I've been in.  Dr. A came in before the surgery to talk to me and another doctor that would be working with him.
The surgery lasted about 1 1/2 hours and went very smoothly.  When I woke up, I was in a significant amount of pain and my blood pressure was so low I couldn't have pain meds until it went up.  That had to be the worst part.  Low blood pressure is not uncommon for me so I was not very surprised.  Once I got the pain meds, I started to feel better almost immediately.  I was obviously still sore and was very tired from all the meds.  They kept me there for awhile watching my blood pressure and giving me more meds as I was very light-headed everytime I sat up, but eventually I was able to get dressed and go home about 5 pm. 
I haven't talked to Dr. A yet and my post-op isn't for a couple of weeks, but here are the results that he relayed to C and my mom.  Dr. A said he was very optimistic after the surgery :)  He removed the septum, it was a septate uterus and he removed it all in 1 surgery, I was very happy!  But there was also a bicornuate uterus still there, from what they told me a small dip in the top of the uterus and this was muscle so he couldn't cut into that obviously.  I had endometriosis on both my ovaries that he removed, but I didn't have it anywhere else.  So he said he felt very positive after this and actually wants to keep me on the femara since I had such a great response to that drug.  He doesn't feel a need at this point to move on to anything else and said I just need to be patient.  He said he knows it's difficult to be patient because we've already been waiting so long but it takes a normal couple with no problems 6 - 8 months to conceive.  So patience is the key.  He said I need to have one normal cycle and then we can start ttc again.  So I'm estimating probably about June sometime.  I'm definitely happy we stayed with Dr. A and I think we will continue treatment with him.  I was very pleased with his bedside manner before and after the surgery (with the family).  I also think we made the right decision with surgery and also for the first time in awhile am optimistic about what may come.  I just pray that this was the answer to our problem and it's just a matter of months now.  I'm looking forward to the post-op appointment so I can see the pictures and talk more in depth about everything. 

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Saying Goodbye

Today we said goodbye to my Great-Aunt (Mimi), she was such a wonderful and kind person.  She was my yaya's sister and was like another grandma (yaya) to me.  My heart aches thinking I will never see her again and I never got to officially say goodbye.  I will miss her more than words can ever express.  She was ill, so I hope now she is in heaven resting peacefully with all of her loved ones up there.  I still can't imagine not seeing her again.  It's been a tough week since she has passed.  Her and my Yaya talked on the phone 4 or 5 times a day.  I'm worried about my Yaya, I don't want her to be lonely.  I know she is going to miss her sister tremendously.  I'm going to be sure to go visit and spend time with her more often.  I just hope Mimi knew how much we all loved and cared for her.  She will always hold a special place in my heart.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Oh The Nerve

So this morning on the Today Show, I watched the Savages announce that their surrogate is having twins.  Okay great, good for them.  They are the couple who had the embryo switched on them during IVF.  I've been following their story and just was really bothered with her whole pitiful me attitude on the show this morning.  She acted like God was mistreating her because she had only been blessed with 3 children.  I'm sorry, but I was fuming.  I couldn't stand her selfish attitude.  Not that I don't have sympathy for secondary infertility because I do and it is equal to primary infertility but it was the way she was acting.
Sorry I'm not trying to be negative, but as a woman experiencing infertility this story somewhat peeves me.  Don’t get me wrong, my heart aches for her as I know she endured more pain that I could never even imagine with having the wrong embryo transplanted and also as she was continuing to experience infertility.  But Carolyn never seemed to be grateful for the 3 precious gifts she was given.  As I watched her stories, she continued to act as if she was given such horrible circumstances in life yet she had 3 beautiful children.  She continued to complain and feel sorry for herself about what she didn’t have instead of enjoying what she did have in life.  Most couples aren’t able to afford continuous IVF treatments and surrogacy, and she was able to pay for these to get her desired outcome.  I wish her the best of luck with her twins, which hopefully she is satisfied now that she will have enough children to consider her family complete.  But I hope she one day realizes the wonderful gifts she has been granted that truly many couples are just longing to have. 

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Go Reds

Go Reds!!  Our beloved Cincinnati Reds have started off the season 5-0. I can't wait to go to a game this year.  They have a new bar open already at the Banks that is right across from the stadium and it is a lot of fun.  A few other bars are coming to the Banks this summer.  I'm looking forward to warm weather and some outside fun!  I bought both C & I some Reds gear for the year and I can't wait to get it.  I've been in a shopping mood lately, probably not a good thing, but it sure has made me feel a lot better.

Friday, April 1, 2011

A Loss and A Loss

So this past week was a rough one.  Last weekend we spontaneously took in a rescue dog on a temporary basis while at Petsmart.  We've been thinking of getting another dog and this dog was so calm and gentle, we thought she'd be perfect.  Well, when we got home.  She wanted to be the alpha dog of the house and was kind of not nice with our pug.  She also had some health issues including a cough and other problems and we think she was sick.  I was really worried about her infecting our other dog.  She was a really good dog.  She was about one and still a bit of a chewer but mostly house broken.  She was so sweet.  But with the surgery coming up and her not getting along great with our Lilly, we knew it was too much to take on at the time.  My heart was broken to tell the rescue that we just couldn't do it at this time.  She also loved children and was so great and protective of them.  She loved our niece and I just knew she would be better off in a home with children, probably better than a home than other dogs.  I know that she is going to find the perfect family.  I just know that our home wasn't the right home for her.  I just keep thinking how horrible am I to have done this and hope I can forgive myself for breaking this little dog's heart.

I also think I experienced a chemical pregnancy this past week.  So as I was losing a little dog that I was already falling in love with, I also had all of the symptoms of a very early miscarriage.  I had this before several months ago and we think this happens possibly because of the malformed uterus.  I had  all the classic symptoms of a chemical pregnancy.  It makes me sad, but I'm almost numb to it all.  I finally started after being several days late and I'm still having some horrible cramping on and off.  I'm hoping to get more answers in the surgery that is one week from today.  But as of today my heart continues to ache.

Friday, March 18, 2011

My Other Love

My other love is my pug Lilly.  She's my little buddy and my strength when I am weak.  It's amazing how just seeing her little face can completely change my mood.  I don't know what I would ever do without her.

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