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Monday, May 30, 2011

Break Over

Af decided to surprise me a day early.  Then on top of all of it I had severe cramping and I mean on the floor I thought I was going to die cramping.  I have never had to call in sick to work for cramping.  This was on cycle day 2/3 of my cycle.  I didn't know what was going on.  I was passing pieces of bloody tissue at this point.  So in my mind I thought I was having a miscarriage.  Any similar advice would be appreciated??  So after 12 hours of no let up and heavy bleeding, I left a message for the doctor.  The only good thing was I think pretty much all of my swelling went down at this point.  After finally getting in touch with the doctor's office, I immediately went in to see them.  He wanted to check the uterus for scar tissue and blood buildup because he thought that there might be complications from the surgery.  He said that wasn't the case though.  He said he thought it was just a really bad period and gave me some pain pills.  I don't know though.  I tend to think it was just my body still in the healing process.  I ended up bleeding very heavy and for 6 days, very rare for me.  Please if anyone has experienced anything similar, I would really appreciate input?  So I'm continuing on with the cycle because I don't want to waste time as the endo has just been removed.  I'm hoping this hasn't hindered any chances and caused any problems, though I don't have any real answers. 

I'm trying to think of the positives right now to stay hopeful for the next cycle.  It's not been easy.

1.  AF started early, so the break is officially over.  The medicated cycles are started again.  I'm done taking the femara for this cycle.
2.  I need to just let everything from the past go, all bad cycles all bad feelings, let it all go and think positive, nothing but positive thoughts, everything is going to work out one way or another.
3.  The endo is gone for now.  It's a clean slate in there.
4.  We are going on vacation in a few weeks.  So matter what the results are of the first IUI, I'll be on the beach!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

1 Picture

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

2 Songs

I love so many songs so it's hard to pick just 2.

1.  Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat (this was our wedding song)
2.  Just Breathe by Pearl Jam (one of my favorite songs recently and my all time favorite band)

Monday, May 23, 2011


I'm already preparing for what I know is going to be a rough week.  I'm due for af either tomorrow or Wednesday.  Which even though this is only one month post surgery and we didn't do treatment this month, it's still always a downer when she shows up.  We are also having my MIL's birthday party at our house this weekend.  So they'll be kids galore, even kids staying with us overnight.  I know it's going to make me sad.  His whole family will be here, people I've never meant and I'm already trying to prepare myself for the "When are you having children?" question over and over again.  At least I'll be at home where I can go in my bedroom and have several breakdowns all weekend. 

Please God help me have the strength to hold it together this week and weekend.  I know it won't be easy but please help to guide me through this difficult time as I still have faith in your plan and will embrace every new opportunity this journey may bring.  As they say, God wouldn't give us anything he didn't think we could handle.  So maybe I should be jealous of all the super fertile people.  God gives them children easier because he doesn't think they have the strength to make it through such a difficult journey.  I'm just trying to make myself feel better.  I'm still trying to figure out what the meaning of all this pain is, I know there has to be a reason I'm being put through this super emotional and difficult time.  I guess it helps me in holding it all together.

3 Films

So today is 3 films.  There are a lot of movies I like so I'm just going to list 3 that come to mind.

1.  The Blind Side
2.  13 Going on 30
3.  Eat Pray Love (I would really like to read the book next)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

4 TV Shows

Sorry I've gotten behind on this.  Today is 4 books and I have to admit I'm not much of a reader though I'd like to be. So I'm changing it to 4 TV Shows.  I know that is bad, but I'd rather list 4 tv shows than books.

1.  How I Met Your Mother
2.  American Idol
3.  Bill and Giuliana
4.  The Office

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Patience is a Virtue


I'm trying to be patient but it's becoming really hard.  I'm having one of those days where I feel like everyone is pregnant or has children except me.  I love my infertility support group but lately on the board there's been a lot of pregnancy announcements.  I'm so thrilled for all of them, they deserve it more than anyone.  But deep down I wonder "Am I going to be the lone infertile left".  Because I feel that way right now.  And I'm back on Facebook in order to be a part of the group, and damn you facebook.  It's a constant reminder of everyone is pregnant or has their family and I get to see all their repetitive pictures, Yay Me!  They need a special facebook filter for people struggling with infertility.  Please block all annoying pregnant women who feel the need to update about every aspect of their pregnancy and give us a day by day update.  We know your pregnant you've told us everyday.  Also block constant photos of children from the day they were born and everyday after.  Some photos of your children are fine, but there needs to be a limit.  I don't need to see every minute of the kid's life.  I don't care.  Facebook can you make this happen so people like me struggling can actually log in to your site without wanting to throw myself off a bridge afterwards.  Thanks.

So one more week and I will start my period and be moving onto my next cycle.  I can already feel a little cramping starting, so I know she's on her way.  I just love how she has to let me know a week in advance, isn't that nice of her to give me the notice of her arrival.  I was just hoping this cramping would stop with the endo gone but I guess not.  It makes me worried that something else is wrong.  I'm just trying to find the patience within myself.  I know this is going to take time and I need to embrace God's plan.  But it's so hard.  I want it right now, I feel like I've waited long enough.  I can't endure anymore pregnancy announcements or baby showers or kids' birthday parties.  Haven't I suffered long enough, I'll be 32 in 2 weeks.  I just want my happily ever after.  I want to start my family.  I have so many plans and I feel like they are on hold.  I just need to find the strength to start these cycles with an open mind and hopeful heart. 

5 Foods

Five Favorite Foods:

1.  Mexican food particularly tacos and queso
2.  Fondue especially chocotate fondue
3.  Filet Mignon
4.  Grouper
5.  Tuna salad

Sunday, May 15, 2011

6 Places

6 Places I'd love to visit:

1.  Greece
2.  Paris
3.  Bahamas
4.  Italy
5.  Aruba
6.  Cabo

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Needle Me

Who would of thought getting poked with needles could be so relaxing?  C & I did acupuncture last night and it was amazing.  I think I enjoyed it more than C.  I had what he calls the dragon treatment.  It is supposed to help with stress and he said a lot of his patients get pregnant just by having the dragons done on them.  Let's hope.  He needled from head to toe particularly in my abdomen region, probably because that is where I need the most energy flow and release of blockages.  I could feel the needles going in but then they didn't hurt at all.  He applied heat and then left the room so I could relax and just enjoy.  It really is relaxing and afterwards I felt calm and somewhat sleepy.   I would definitely recommend acupuncture just for the help with de-stressing and starting new.  I think it was the perfect time to have the treatment because we will be starting fresh in less than 2 weeks.  I want to have a clear mind and put all previous fertility treatments behind me.

7 Wants

Today is my 7 wants...

1.  Obviously I want a healthy baby and the sooner the better ;)
2.  I really want to experience pregnancy but mostly I just want a family
3.  I want good health for all my family
4.  I want to go on a relaxing vacation and take a break from work
5.  I want to just feel happiness and peace.  I want to be content with my life.
6.  I want to have the best marriage possible.  I don't want my marriage to be compromised from infertility, I want it to become stronger.
7.  I want to not hold grudges anymore.  I want to move on from the past and truly put it behind me.  I want to forgive and forget or just forget and start the next chapter of my life.

Friday, May 13, 2011

8 Fears

My eight fears:

1.  Well obviously #1 would be the fear of never having children/family
2.  Heights - I hate them
3.  Flying - I really don't like flying it makes me nervous but the end result is always worth it.
4.  Spiders/Roaches - Really any kind of bug or rodent - I'm scared of them
5.  Fear of something bad happening to a close family member or friends/ I always worry about their safety and fear something happening to them.
6.  Fear of not making the right decisions.  Right now I have a fear of whether or not I'm being treated by the right doctor or should I switch.  I want to make sure I'm doing everything right to improve my chances.
7.  Fear of losing my dog.  I can't imagine my life without her, especially right now.  She keeps me sane during this journey.
8.  Fear of failure, not just infertility related but failure in every aspect of my life.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

9 Loves

1.  My husband
2.  My dog
3.  Mexican food
4.  Yoga
5.  Listening to the rain while I sleep
6.  Starbucks - skinny vanilla lattes are my favorite
7.  Clothes and purses - I love to shop
8.  Pearl Jam, (Eddie Vedder)
9.  The beach and the ocean
10. The Bengals even though they suck right now

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

10 Day You Challenge

I saw this challenge on another blog and thought it would be fun to try!

So today is Ten Secrets about Me:

1.  My IF is a secret to most people, I don't share this blog with anyone I personally know and am somewhat embarrassed that I'm having fertility problems.  I feel like a failure and less of a person because I haven't been able to have children yet and don't know if I ever can.
2.  I started off as a pre-pharmacy major in college and then switched to business.  I really regret that decision and wish I could go back and do something different with my life.  I would really like to go back to school and change my career.
3.  I treat my dog like a person.  I sing to her and make up songs about her.  I secretly hope I can raise my children as well as I did my dog, because she is pretty awesome!
4.  I'm starting to embrace my infertility journey.  I think it is helping me to connect with God on a different level.  I also am meeting some amazing people through this experience and truly believe God is sending us on this journey for a reason.  Someone said to me on a message board today "Thank you for your comment.  It reminds me that I'm not alone."  That comment really touched my heart because I know how alone I have felt.  To me, making someone else feel not alone makes me realize I've achieved a different success and makes me happy.
5.  I'm terrified of adopting right now.  I really want to be able to control my child's pre-natal care and adoption scares me because I won't have control of what my child is exposed to before in my care.
6.  I was in an extremely emotionally and verbally abusive marriage before meeting and marrying my love.  Most people do not know how emotionally abused I was.  That marriage ending was the best thing in life that ever happened to me and I'm so thankful God found my way out of that.  It took some counseling to recover and honestly I could have used more.  I'm so thankful for the relationship I'm in now and know how it feels to be truly loved. 
7.  I don't miss my abusive marriage but I miss some of the friendships I had prior.  I lost a lot of friendships with my marriage ending.  I had to learn the hard way who my true friends were and most importantly who weren't my true friends.  I still have trust issues because of this.
8.  I'm back on facebook but it really annoys me at times.  I like my support group in facebook that's why I use it.  But honestly fb can be a difficult and cruel world at times. 
9.  I tried to give up caffeine but I can't.  I'm addicted to it and need it to get through the day.  I especially love coffee.
10.  I would love to live in another city.  Ohio really bores me and I think it would be so exciting for C & I to move somewhere else.  I would love a fresh start and the adventure of us learning about and living in a new town.  One that is not so far but maybe at max 5 - 6 hours from home so we can still come visit on weekends.

Monday, May 9, 2011

A Weekend Away

I survived another Mother's Day!  It wasn't easy, but I'm still alive :)  This weekend we went to Nashville just to get away and enjoy ourselves.  We stayed at the Opryland Resort and Spa and it was an amazing place.  The resort was huge and it was very beautiful.  They had gardens and waterfalls throughout the resort and also many restaurants, bars, and shopping.  We didn't get to lay by the pool which I would have liked, but we still had a great time.  I wish we could have stayed one extra day.  One Mother's Day, we both went and got pedicures and manicures at a really nice salon.  It was a great way to spend the weekend and relax.  I needed to get my mind of Mother's Day and it was perfect.  My sister also kept my dog, Lilly.  Lilly has been so sad lately and she had an exciting weekend with my nephews.  She had a blast and my sister loved having her.  She wanted to keep her :)  So it all worked out and Lilly got to have a little vacation too!  Sometimes I feel bad for her because we don't have any kids or other dogs for her to play with or keep her company.  I think she gets lonely during the day and it kind of makes me sad.
On a fertility note, I used OPK's this month to help predict my natural ovulation a little more accurately.  I was excited to actually get a positive, so I know ovulation is on it's way.  I'm happy that I'm already ovulating one month after surgery.  Hopefully that means my ovaries are in good shape, now my crappy uterus just needs to get on board with the rest of the team!  So I'm still a little swollen and my ovulation has been painful this month.   Getting pregnant this cycle might not be the best thing for me, since I'm still in the healing process.  But it's not going to stop us from trying!  But either outcome I'm pretty much okay with :)  We have acupuncture scheduled for Friday and I'm really looking forward to that.  I'm hoping it relieves my stress and relaxes me just like everyone says it will do.

Friday, May 6, 2011

God's Plan

So as we all know Sunday is the most dreaded day of the year for almost all infertile girls.  I loathe this holiday every year, and this year is no different.  Should I say it, I hate to even say it, Mother's Day.  It's an annual reminder of the fact that I'm infertile and can't be a mom, but it feels like everyone else is.  As everyone celebrates with their children, there I sit alone again another year, with just my furbaby.  Whom I love, but it's not the same.  I love my mom to pieces, but I still hate the holiday.  Not because I have a bad mother-daughter relationship.  Our relationship is fabulous, but I hate the reminder that I'm 31 and no kids again.  So what are we doing, heading out of town and forgetting about the whole holiday. Yes, we are going away for the weekend, just C and I.  I'm going to focus on us this weekend and forget about this whole mom's day thing. 

Right now instead of focusing on the negative, I want to focus on the positive experiences going on in our lives.

  • I had my post-op appointment last week and we are good to go to start treatment on the start of my next cycle.  The endo was only stage I, very minimal, and it's gone (at least for now).  The septate was half my uterus and then my uterus is still bicornuate.  The septum is gone which could have been causing implantation problems and the endo is gone which could have been causing implantation and egg quality problems.  The doctor is very optimistic and thinks we can just start out with femara and iui's again.  So that leads me to have some optimism too, because with his experience I'm pretty sure he's seen it all.  He's not going to sugar coat anything for us.  If he has hope, then so do I.
  • My last cycle started right on time 28 days surprisingly after the surgery.  I'll be ready to start treatment at the end of May!
  • Our support group has helped so much.  I enjoy meeting with the girls and couples every week and it's so nice to have support from people who truly understand.  I love the fact we are all there to support each other through this difficult journey.  We've also been able to receive a ton of information about different aspects of infertility, local doctors, local adoption agencies, etc.
  • I truly believe that this is all in God's plan for us.  As I sit in reflect on infertility, instead of constantly asking "Why me?" anymore, I'm slowly but surely coming to realize that this is just a journey that God is taking us through.  In the end, we will have a family, maybe naturally, maybe through adoption, but we will have the end result we want.  God gave me these infertility issues for a reason.  And thinking through it all, God maybe did this to help me out of the first horribly, abusive relationship I was in prior and to bring me to my true soulmate, C.  Without infertility, I may not have ever been able to find my true love.  And now maybe it has continued because I found this support group and we are continuing to support each other.  Maybe God wanted me to be there to support others and meet these other incredibly strong, amazing people for a reason.  God is having us wait for a reason, I'm not exactly sure for what reason yet but I know there is a plan.  I'm developing a better relationship with C and myself and with God as I continue through this journey to our family.
  • This 3 month break was just what the doctor ordered for C and I's relationship.  I feel like we have reconnected and our back on the same page with everything.  I feel great about going into treatment in a few months and think I can handle it without being too much of an emotional disaster.  Let me emphasize the too much, I'm sure I'll be emotional at times throughout our continued journey.  But I'm hoping maybe I can deal with things a little better this time around.