Random Mix of Emotions

So this entire week I've been having this random mix of emotions that have been going through my head.  I think it's partly my hormones raging and trying to get back on track after the surgery and partly me just being me.

• Frustration - Due to the fact that I'm still waiting for my next period to start and then waiting another cycle to try to conceive again.  Then possibly waiting cycle after cycle after cycle for a bfp and then maybe never getting a bfp.  I keep thinking when do we start IVF, when do we start looking into adoption.  Do we have enough money saved?  I'm driving myself nuts.  I just want to start these cycles again and I just want things to work!
• Anticipation - That maybe this last surgery fixed my issue.  Dr. C said in the last support group that endo eliminates a beta 3 protein that is necessary for implantation and when lap surgery removes endo the beta 3 is immediately restored.  So will having the beta 3 restored and the septum removed fix our implantation problem.  I don't know, but I'm in anticipation to start trying again to find out.  Dr. A told me to have patience though, we could need several cycles for this to work again.  I need to find this patience!
• Guilt - I feel like I've shut down a lot the last few years since I've been dealing with this.  To be honest it's just really hard to deal with and talk about.  It's not that I'm angry at anyone or I don't care but I deal better alone.  To be honest pregnancy announcements anymore make me so depressed.  I feel bad because sometimes it's even hard at family functions because I'm the only one without children.  It's not that I don't love my nieces and nephews, but it's hard to watch everyone interact with their children and desire so bad to have that interaction.  To be honest I feel like I don't fit in anymore at family events, I feel alone and it's hard.  I feel left behind and like a failure.  "The one that can't bring children into the family."  I think some relatives get angry and feel like I cut myself off.   They can't understand the way I feel and nor do I expect them to, but sometimes I wish they'd at least try to look at things in my perspective just a little.  I know it's not healthy to deal with this all alone and this support group is my first step on getting back out there and dealing with this
• Depression - My heart aches with the desire to become a mother.  I can't stand the fact of this never happening.  And me being the planner that I am plays out every what-if scenario in my head.  What-if we go to IVF and that doesn't work, what-if we can't go through with adoption, what if we do adoption and  noone chooses us.  C has to bring me back down to earth and reassure me that we will have a child one way or another and I need to stop overthinking every situation.  I'm so glad he does this because it makes me feel so much better.

As I'm working through all my thousands of emotions right now, I do know that I still do have a glimpse of hope and sometimes more than a glimpse at times.  I also know that I need to let go and it's not up to me.  It' up to God.  And know matter what I do, I can't change God's plan.  No matter what I do it's not going to change that.  So right now I need to focus on myself.  I need to focus on destressing and just letting life take it's course.  I need to start getting back into yoga and meditation.  I've scheduled acupuncture with Dr. C.  And on Mother's Day weekend we are "conveniently" going out of town for a little weekend to ourselves.   It's time to stop trying to control something that has been completely out of my control.

We Are Not Alone

Last week we went to our first IF support group meeting.  I was really nervous about going, but I'm really glad we went.  Not only was it great to meet a great group of people but the group will also be providing throughout the session a great amount of IF resources.  They will bring in different groups and doctors each week to discuss things such as acupuncture and they will be having a demo, adoption resource group, doctors from IF clinics to openly ask questions about IVF and shared risk programs, etc etc.  I'm excited about the amount of information we will be able to obtain.  But most importantly talking with the others in the group made me feel so not alone anymore.  It was so important to discuss my feelings with people who truly understood.  Fertile people just don't get it and I feel like lately a lot of people who do know aren't very compassionate.  I don't think they mean to come off this way, but they just don't understand.  So having the compassionate feeling and the true understanding even just once a week or once a month will make a difference.  I hope we can provide just as much support to others as they will provide to us. 
On another note, today I feel almost 100% recovered.  Last week I mainly had a lot of shoulder pain from the gas they pump into your abdomen.  And my stomach would still hurt if I pushed too hard.  But I have recovered nicely and am anxious for my cycles to get back on track so we can get started again.  I hope and pray that we will have success sometime in the next 6 months or so with this septum being gone now.  But again I don't want to get my hopes up too high.  My post-op is next week, I'm anxious to hear what Dr. A has to say.

Surgery Update

Here is a recap on the surgery last Friday.   On Thursday before the Surgery, I went in for my pre-op appointment with Dr. A.  He was excellent in explaining the surgery in detail and even showed us a video of how he would be cutting the septum out of the uterus.  He then measured my cervix which caused a little cramping but nothing horrible and checked the softness of the cervix.  He said everything looked good and I was in good shape for the surgery.  I was given a prescription for vicodin and also a cervix softener which would help with the hysteroscopy.
So Thursday evening I took the cervix softener before bed and it did cause some cramping throughout the night, sometimes intense.  I did have to take a tylenol to try to ease the pain, which didn't help much.  By Friday morning, I still had some mild cramping and was ready to just get to the hospital and get the surgery over with. 
On Friday, my surgery was scheduled at 11:00 am so I had to arrive around 9:30.  They took me back pretty much right away and started prepping me for the surgery.  I did ask the anestheseiologist for an anti-nausea medication to help with my post-op nausea.  He was very nice and accomodating and told me he'd create a good cocktail for me. :)  The surgery started a little late because of other morning surgeries lasting longer than expected.  So we just hung out in the pre-op room for a little longer, which was fine these rooms were comfortable, private and had tv's.  Much nicer than some of the other pre-op rooms/spaces I've been in.  Dr. A came in before the surgery to talk to me and another doctor that would be working with him.
The surgery lasted about 1 1/2 hours and went very smoothly.  When I woke up, I was in a significant amount of pain and my blood pressure was so low I couldn't have pain meds until it went up.  That had to be the worst part.  Low blood pressure is not uncommon for me so I was not very surprised.  Once I got the pain meds, I started to feel better almost immediately.  I was obviously still sore and was very tired from all the meds.  They kept me there for awhile watching my blood pressure and giving me more meds as I was very light-headed everytime I sat up, but eventually I was able to get dressed and go home about 5 pm. 
I haven't talked to Dr. A yet and my post-op isn't for a couple of weeks, but here are the results that he relayed to C and my mom.  Dr. A said he was very optimistic after the surgery :)  He removed the septum, it was a septate uterus and he removed it all in 1 surgery, I was very happy!  But there was also a bicornuate uterus still there, from what they told me a small dip in the top of the uterus and this was muscle so he couldn't cut into that obviously.  I had endometriosis on both my ovaries that he removed, but I didn't have it anywhere else.  So he said he felt very positive after this and actually wants to keep me on the femara since I had such a great response to that drug.  He doesn't feel a need at this point to move on to anything else and said I just need to be patient.  He said he knows it's difficult to be patient because we've already been waiting so long but it takes a normal couple with no problems 6 - 8 months to conceive.  So patience is the key.  He said I need to have one normal cycle and then we can start ttc again.  So I'm estimating probably about June sometime.  I'm definitely happy we stayed with Dr. A and I think we will continue treatment with him.  I was very pleased with his bedside manner before and after the surgery (with the family).  I also think we made the right decision with surgery and also for the first time in awhile am optimistic about what may come.  I just pray that this was the answer to our problem and it's just a matter of months now.  I'm looking forward to the post-op appointment so I can see the pictures and talk more in depth about everything. 

Saying Goodbye

Today we said goodbye to my Great-Aunt (Mimi), she was such a wonderful and kind person.  She was my yaya's sister and was like another grandma (yaya) to me.  My heart aches thinking I will never see her again and I never got to officially say goodbye.  I will miss her more than words can ever express.  She was ill, so I hope now she is in heaven resting peacefully with all of her loved ones up there.  I still can't imagine not seeing her again.  It's been a tough week since she has passed.  Her and my Yaya talked on the phone 4 or 5 times a day.  I'm worried about my Yaya, I don't want her to be lonely.  I know she is going to miss her sister tremendously.  I'm going to be sure to go visit and spend time with her more often.  I just hope Mimi knew how much we all loved and cared for her.  She will always hold a special place in my heart.

Oh The Nerve

http://moms.today.com/_news/2011/04/07/6419303-inconceivable-mom-what-my-twins-surrogate-taught-me

So this morning on the Today Show, I watched the Savages announce that their surrogate is having twins.  Okay great, good for them.  They are the couple who had the embryo switched on them during IVF.  I've been following their story and just was really bothered with her whole pitiful me attitude on the show this morning.  She acted like God was mistreating her because she had only been blessed with 3 children.  I'm sorry, but I was fuming.  I couldn't stand her selfish attitude.  Not that I don't have sympathy for secondary infertility because I do and it is equal to primary infertility but it was the way she was acting.

Sorry I'm not trying to be negative, but as a woman experiencing infertility this story somewhat peeves me.  Don’t get me wrong, my heart aches for her as I know she endured more pain that I could never even imagine with having the wrong embryo transplanted and also as she was continuing to experience infertility.  But Carolyn never seemed to be grateful for the 3 precious gifts she was given.  As I watched her stories, she continued to act as if she was given such horrible circumstances in life yet she had 3 beautiful children.  She continued to complain and feel sorry for herself about what she didn’t have instead of enjoying what she did have in life.  Most couples aren’t able to afford continuous IVF treatments and surrogacy, and she was able to pay for these to get her desired outcome.  I wish her the best of luck with her twins, which hopefully she is satisfied now that she will have enough children to consider her family complete.  But I hope she one day realizes the wonderful gifts she has been granted that truly many couples are just longing to have. 

Go Reds

Go Reds!!  Our beloved Cincinnati Reds have started off the season 5-0. I can't wait to go to a game this year.  They have a new bar open already at the Banks that is right across from the stadium and it is a lot of fun.  A few other bars are coming to the Banks this summer.  I'm looking forward to warm weather and some outside fun!  I bought both C & I some Reds gear for the year and I can't wait to get it.  I've been in a shopping mood lately, probably not a good thing, but it sure has made me feel a lot better.

A Loss and A Loss

So this past week was a rough one.  Last weekend we spontaneously took in a rescue dog on a temporary basis while at Petsmart.  We've been thinking of getting another dog and this dog was so calm and gentle, we thought she'd be perfect.  Well, when we got home.  She wanted to be the alpha dog of the house and was kind of not nice with our pug.  She also had some health issues including a cough and other problems and we think she was sick.  I was really worried about her infecting our other dog.  She was a really good dog.  She was about one and still a bit of a chewer but mostly house broken.  She was so sweet.  But with the surgery coming up and her not getting along great with our Lilly, we knew it was too much to take on at the time.  My heart was broken to tell the rescue that we just couldn't do it at this time.  She also loved children and was so great and protective of them.  She loved our niece and I just knew she would be better off in a home with children, probably better than a home than other dogs.  I know that she is going to find the perfect family.  I just know that our home wasn't the right home for her.  I just keep thinking how horrible am I to have done this and hope I can forgive myself for breaking this little dog's heart.

I also think I experienced a chemical pregnancy this past week.  So as I was losing a little dog that I was already falling in love with, I also had all of the symptoms of a very early miscarriage.  I had this before several months ago and we think this happens possibly because of the malformed uterus.  I had  all the classic symptoms of a chemical pregnancy.  It makes me sad, but I'm almost numb to it all.  I finally started after being several days late and I'm still having some horrible cramping on and off.  I'm hoping to get more answers in the surgery that is one week from today.  But as of today my heart continues to ache.