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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Infertility Is Not Me

This month is just dragging and dragging.  I think because I feel like it is just a wasted month in terms of fertility and time is just ticking away.  It kills me to just waste a month like this.  I guess I shouldn't consider it wasting a month, but when we aren't doing fertility treatment I don't consider it trying for a month.  I try to get my mind off of fertility, but find it so hard to do.  Even the things I used to find enjoyable just aren't anymore.  Going shopping isn't fun anymore because I go to the mall and see everyone with their baby strollers and children and it makes me so sad and puts me in a bad mood.  So when I can't do my shopping online and am forced to go to the mall, I try to get in and out and stay focused on the goal of whatever I have to buy.  Dang, I remember when shopping was actually enjoyable.  It's just so depressing not knowing if we'll ever have a family and then we see children all around us.  It's a constant reminder of what we want so bad, but may never have.  It's not fair that we would be such great parents and want this gift so bad.  Some people don't even realize what they have and it just breaks my heart.  I think if everyone had to go through infertility before conceiving, there would be so many better parents out there.
This weekend we had a date weekend at the casino.  We went to dinner and gambled a little.  No kids to make me sad, lol.  But really, it was a great weekend and we were really able to get our minds off of the fertility stuff and focus on us for awhile.  It felt great to just be a couple again.  This month has been relaxing not having to worry about meds and shots, and ultrasounds and follicles, and timing and iuis.  We aren't on the fertility schedule and it really is just what we needed.  When we do go back to treatments, I think we'll need to take a month like this every so often just to enjoy us again.  Noone except infertiles can really understand the toll infertility treatment takes on your body, your mind, your marriage, and just your whole life.  It's exhausting.
This break has made me realize I can't let infertility control my entire life.  I'm going to try and refocus and change this blog a little.  I'm going to stop completely focusing on infertility and focus on other aspects of my life also.  Along with just blogging about infertility, I'm going to also include some fun things.   Obviously, I'll still blog about infertility and infertility topics but I also want to reintroduce new topics to not let infertility completely define me.

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