We Are Not Alone

Last week we went to our first IF support group meeting.  I was really nervous about going, but I'm really glad we went.  Not only was it great to meet a great group of people but the group will also be providing throughout the session a great amount of IF resources.  They will bring in different groups and doctors each week to discuss things such as acupuncture and they will be having a demo, adoption resource group, doctors from IF clinics to openly ask questions about IVF and shared risk programs, etc etc.  I'm excited about the amount of information we will be able to obtain.  But most importantly talking with the others in the group made me feel so not alone anymore.  It was so important to discuss my feelings with people who truly understood.  Fertile people just don't get it and I feel like lately a lot of people who do know aren't very compassionate.  I don't think they mean to come off this way, but they just don't understand.  So having the compassionate feeling and the true understanding even just once a week or once a month will make a difference.  I hope we can provide just as much support to others as they will provide to us. 
On another note, today I feel almost 100% recovered.  Last week I mainly had a lot of shoulder pain from the gas they pump into your abdomen.  And my stomach would still hurt if I pushed too hard.  But I have recovered nicely and am anxious for my cycles to get back on track so we can get started again.  I hope and pray that we will have success sometime in the next 6 months or so with this septum being gone now.  But again I don't want to get my hopes up too high.  My post-op is next week, I'm anxious to hear what Dr. A has to say.

On a Break

This third time was not a charm and yet devastating.  That was our third femara cycle and it didn't work.  Usually 3 or 4 cycles of one drug and IUIs are all a dr. likes to do before moving onto something else.  The theory is if that method of treatment is going to work, it's going to work after 3 or 4 cycles.  So now we go on a break and we have decided that surgery is our best option.  We are going to stay with our original re Dr. A for the surgery and then decide what's best after that.  We've started this journey with him and feel we need to give it a little more time.  Since ovulation doesn't seem to be our problem, continuous cycles of drugs just seem to be emotionally and physically draining.  We plan to start on injectable drugs after the surgery but we dont know if we'll stay with IRH for awhile or maybe switch to Dr. C.  We would like to try Dr. C's method of acupuncture, because we think it would be really helpful in relieving stress.  So next month I'll have a laparascopy and septum resection surgery.  The lap will remove any endo which might have grown back.  This should help improve our chances of conceiving, at least for awhile.  The septum surgery scares me a little.  This might take two surgeries to remove the septum which could mean we will be on a break 3 to 4 months.  This will remove the tissue that separates my uterus into two halves, this is most likely causing implantation issues.  There are so many risks involved in this.  Though my uterus may be somewhat "normal" after this.  I will still be high risk if I get pregnant as my uterus will still be more suscepticle to rupture and also can cause other issues after I have the baby as far as bleeding.  But I guess right now the benefits outweigh the risks and it needs to be done.
So after the surgery or surgeries I will have a month or 2 of recovery for my uterus lining to repair and then we can try again.  Then we will most likely move onto expensive injectable drugs.  Oh yea!  More pain and more money.  But hopefully better results.  So hopefully this will improve our chances too, as injectables normally have better conceiving results.  So for now we are on a break and I'm really bummed about that because I feel like this is such wasted time.  Though I do think we need some time off to recoup and enjoy our lives for awhile without having to think about fertility all the time.  It will be nice to just be us again.
This 3rd cycle failure has just been tough, I feel like a lot of hopes and dreams are just diminishing one month at a time.  I thought for sure that I would be pregnant by my birthday when I started these treatments and now with this new setback I know that is not going to happen.  And with Mothers Day looming, I'm just dreading that day of the only one again alone and not knowing if I'll ever overcome this fertility issue.  It's so depressing.  I feel so alone.  Right now we are looking for support groups.  Unfortunately, infertility is such a hush hush issue there aren't many in the area.  I found one but it doesn't start until April or May so we are looking at possibly having to drive to Columbus, but we think it will be worth it.  Well, that's it for now.  There is not much news to come as these next few months are going to be surgery and recovery.

Is the third time a charm?

If not then surgery.  I haven't written in awhile due to a discouraging couple of months. We have had great results from the femara...producing 3 follicles or more, even 5 one month.  We also did iui too with great results but no success. The doctor at the IRH thinks the uterus is septate not bicornuate and that it is causing the issue and it needs to be repaired. This means there is a septum that splits the uterus that can prevent impantation.  It's pretty scary stuff and an intense surgery but the next option due to nothing else working.   Monday we are getting a second opinion from another re Dr C just to make sure.  So we are waiting to see the results from this cycle and still hoping for the best.
It's hard to stay optimistic because I feel like when I get my hopes up too high then it's just a harder let down every month.  And month after month it seems like more and more people are just getting pregnant so easily.  It's so frustrating.  It's not that I'm not happy for them, I just wonder when we are going to have our moment.  And why can't it be that easy for us, why do we have to go through all these treatments and physical and emotional pain?  Why can't we experience the joy like everyone else?  It's hard to keep this pain hidden, noone really understands what we are going through or how hard this is, but noone really could understand unless they experience it themselves.  That's why I don't feel like it's worthwhile to even try to talk to anyone about it.
Well, I'll continue to try to hold my head up high and keep being as strong as possible though this has really got me down right now inside.