God's Plan

So as we all know Sunday is the most dreaded day of the year for almost all infertile girls.  I loathe this holiday every year, and this year is no different.  Should I say it, I hate to even say it, Mother's Day.  It's an annual reminder of the fact that I'm infertile and can't be a mom, but it feels like everyone else is.  As everyone celebrates with their children, there I sit alone again another year, with just my furbaby.  Whom I love, but it's not the same.  I love my mom to pieces, but I still hate the holiday.  Not because I have a bad mother-daughter relationship.  Our relationship is fabulous, but I hate the reminder that I'm 31 and no kids again.  So what are we doing, heading out of town and forgetting about the whole holiday. Yes, we are going away for the weekend, just C and I.  I'm going to focus on us this weekend and forget about this whole mom's day thing. 

Right now instead of focusing on the negative, I want to focus on the positive experiences going on in our lives.

• I had my post-op appointment last week and we are good to go to start treatment on the start of my next cycle.  The endo was only stage I, very minimal, and it's gone (at least for now).  The septate was half my uterus and then my uterus is still bicornuate.  The septum is gone which could have been causing implantation problems and the endo is gone which could have been causing implantation and egg quality problems.  The doctor is very optimistic and thinks we can just start out with femara and iui's again.  So that leads me to have some optimism too, because with his experience I'm pretty sure he's seen it all.  He's not going to sugar coat anything for us.  If he has hope, then so do I.
• My last cycle started right on time 28 days surprisingly after the surgery.  I'll be ready to start treatment at the end of May!
• Our support group has helped so much.  I enjoy meeting with the girls and couples every week and it's so nice to have support from people who truly understand.  I love the fact we are all there to support each other through this difficult journey.  We've also been able to receive a ton of information about different aspects of infertility, local doctors, local adoption agencies, etc.
• I truly believe that this is all in God's plan for us.  As I sit in reflect on infertility, instead of constantly asking "Why me?" anymore, I'm slowly but surely coming to realize that this is just a journey that God is taking us through.  In the end, we will have a family, maybe naturally, maybe through adoption, but we will have the end result we want.  God gave me these infertility issues for a reason.  And thinking through it all, God maybe did this to help me out of the first horribly, abusive relationship I was in prior and to bring me to my true soulmate, C.  Without infertility, I may not have ever been able to find my true love.  And now maybe it has continued because I found this support group and we are continuing to support each other.  Maybe God wanted me to be there to support others and meet these other incredibly strong, amazing people for a reason.  God is having us wait for a reason, I'm not exactly sure for what reason yet but I know there is a plan.  I'm developing a better relationship with C and myself and with God as I continue through this journey to our family.
• This 3 month break was just what the doctor ordered for C and I's relationship.  I feel like we have reconnected and our back on the same page with everything.  I feel great about going into treatment in a few months and think I can handle it without being too much of an emotional disaster.  Let me emphasize the too much, I'm sure I'll be emotional at times throughout our continued journey.  But I'm hoping maybe I can deal with things a little better this time around.

Random Mix of Emotions

So this entire week I've been having this random mix of emotions that have been going through my head.  I think it's partly my hormones raging and trying to get back on track after the surgery and partly me just being me.

• Frustration - Due to the fact that I'm still waiting for my next period to start and then waiting another cycle to try to conceive again.  Then possibly waiting cycle after cycle after cycle for a bfp and then maybe never getting a bfp.  I keep thinking when do we start IVF, when do we start looking into adoption.  Do we have enough money saved?  I'm driving myself nuts.  I just want to start these cycles again and I just want things to work!
• Anticipation - That maybe this last surgery fixed my issue.  Dr. C said in the last support group that endo eliminates a beta 3 protein that is necessary for implantation and when lap surgery removes endo the beta 3 is immediately restored.  So will having the beta 3 restored and the septum removed fix our implantation problem.  I don't know, but I'm in anticipation to start trying again to find out.  Dr. A told me to have patience though, we could need several cycles for this to work again.  I need to find this patience!
• Guilt - I feel like I've shut down a lot the last few years since I've been dealing with this.  To be honest it's just really hard to deal with and talk about.  It's not that I'm angry at anyone or I don't care but I deal better alone.  To be honest pregnancy announcements anymore make me so depressed.  I feel bad because sometimes it's even hard at family functions because I'm the only one without children.  It's not that I don't love my nieces and nephews, but it's hard to watch everyone interact with their children and desire so bad to have that interaction.  To be honest I feel like I don't fit in anymore at family events, I feel alone and it's hard.  I feel left behind and like a failure.  "The one that can't bring children into the family."  I think some relatives get angry and feel like I cut myself off.   They can't understand the way I feel and nor do I expect them to, but sometimes I wish they'd at least try to look at things in my perspective just a little.  I know it's not healthy to deal with this all alone and this support group is my first step on getting back out there and dealing with this
• Depression - My heart aches with the desire to become a mother.  I can't stand the fact of this never happening.  And me being the planner that I am plays out every what-if scenario in my head.  What-if we go to IVF and that doesn't work, what-if we can't go through with adoption, what if we do adoption and  noone chooses us.  C has to bring me back down to earth and reassure me that we will have a child one way or another and I need to stop overthinking every situation.  I'm so glad he does this because it makes me feel so much better.

As I'm working through all my thousands of emotions right now, I do know that I still do have a glimpse of hope and sometimes more than a glimpse at times.  I also know that I need to let go and it's not up to me.  It' up to God.  And know matter what I do, I can't change God's plan.  No matter what I do it's not going to change that.  So right now I need to focus on myself.  I need to focus on destressing and just letting life take it's course.  I need to start getting back into yoga and meditation.  I've scheduled acupuncture with Dr. C.  And on Mother's Day weekend we are "conveniently" going out of town for a little weekend to ourselves.   It's time to stop trying to control something that has been completely out of my control.

Surgery Update

Here is a recap on the surgery last Friday.   On Thursday before the Surgery, I went in for my pre-op appointment with Dr. A.  He was excellent in explaining the surgery in detail and even showed us a video of how he would be cutting the septum out of the uterus.  He then measured my cervix which caused a little cramping but nothing horrible and checked the softness of the cervix.  He said everything looked good and I was in good shape for the surgery.  I was given a prescription for vicodin and also a cervix softener which would help with the hysteroscopy.
So Thursday evening I took the cervix softener before bed and it did cause some cramping throughout the night, sometimes intense.  I did have to take a tylenol to try to ease the pain, which didn't help much.  By Friday morning, I still had some mild cramping and was ready to just get to the hospital and get the surgery over with. 
On Friday, my surgery was scheduled at 11:00 am so I had to arrive around 9:30.  They took me back pretty much right away and started prepping me for the surgery.  I did ask the anestheseiologist for an anti-nausea medication to help with my post-op nausea.  He was very nice and accomodating and told me he'd create a good cocktail for me. :)  The surgery started a little late because of other morning surgeries lasting longer than expected.  So we just hung out in the pre-op room for a little longer, which was fine these rooms were comfortable, private and had tv's.  Much nicer than some of the other pre-op rooms/spaces I've been in.  Dr. A came in before the surgery to talk to me and another doctor that would be working with him.
The surgery lasted about 1 1/2 hours and went very smoothly.  When I woke up, I was in a significant amount of pain and my blood pressure was so low I couldn't have pain meds until it went up.  That had to be the worst part.  Low blood pressure is not uncommon for me so I was not very surprised.  Once I got the pain meds, I started to feel better almost immediately.  I was obviously still sore and was very tired from all the meds.  They kept me there for awhile watching my blood pressure and giving me more meds as I was very light-headed everytime I sat up, but eventually I was able to get dressed and go home about 5 pm. 
I haven't talked to Dr. A yet and my post-op isn't for a couple of weeks, but here are the results that he relayed to C and my mom.  Dr. A said he was very optimistic after the surgery :)  He removed the septum, it was a septate uterus and he removed it all in 1 surgery, I was very happy!  But there was also a bicornuate uterus still there, from what they told me a small dip in the top of the uterus and this was muscle so he couldn't cut into that obviously.  I had endometriosis on both my ovaries that he removed, but I didn't have it anywhere else.  So he said he felt very positive after this and actually wants to keep me on the femara since I had such a great response to that drug.  He doesn't feel a need at this point to move on to anything else and said I just need to be patient.  He said he knows it's difficult to be patient because we've already been waiting so long but it takes a normal couple with no problems 6 - 8 months to conceive.  So patience is the key.  He said I need to have one normal cycle and then we can start ttc again.  So I'm estimating probably about June sometime.  I'm definitely happy we stayed with Dr. A and I think we will continue treatment with him.  I was very pleased with his bedside manner before and after the surgery (with the family).  I also think we made the right decision with surgery and also for the first time in awhile am optimistic about what may come.  I just pray that this was the answer to our problem and it's just a matter of months now.  I'm looking forward to the post-op appointment so I can see the pictures and talk more in depth about everything. 

Decisions Decisions

The meeting wih Dr. C went well, I really liked his views and philosophies.  He was very knowledgable but now says I need an MRI to determine if my uterus is bicornuate or septate. And he wants me to wait on surgery and continue with more cycles of fertility drugs and IUIs, possibly injectables.  I'm just not crazy about this idea because it seems like we are getting great response from the meds but we have not yet detected what the problem is with the uterus or possibly more endo.  I really do not want to spend a lot of money on injectables before knowing if the endo is gone or if there is a uterus malformation.  The injectables could cost us close to $600 or more a month. 
I think right now I know more about fertility than I ever wanted to know and now making decisions is so much harder. I understand the reproductive system better than anyone who's had a baby, there's something wrong with that.   The good news is 7 day post ovulation progesterone level came back at 60.1.  This is great, very high, which means I ovulated probably all 3 follicles.   This also means I don't need to use those progesterone supplements I used last month.  The side effects of those were just horrible.  So the sperm counts are great and the eggs are there which leads me to believe again the uterine environment is just not viable. Ugh why oh why can't this be easy.

Is the third time a charm?

If not then surgery.  I haven't written in awhile due to a discouraging couple of months. We have had great results from the femara...producing 3 follicles or more, even 5 one month.  We also did iui too with great results but no success. The doctor at the IRH thinks the uterus is septate not bicornuate and that it is causing the issue and it needs to be repaired. This means there is a septum that splits the uterus that can prevent impantation.  It's pretty scary stuff and an intense surgery but the next option due to nothing else working.   Monday we are getting a second opinion from another re Dr C just to make sure.  So we are waiting to see the results from this cycle and still hoping for the best.
It's hard to stay optimistic because I feel like when I get my hopes up too high then it's just a harder let down every month.  And month after month it seems like more and more people are just getting pregnant so easily.  It's so frustrating.  It's not that I'm not happy for them, I just wonder when we are going to have our moment.  And why can't it be that easy for us, why do we have to go through all these treatments and physical and emotional pain?  Why can't we experience the joy like everyone else?  It's hard to keep this pain hidden, noone really understands what we are going through or how hard this is, but noone really could understand unless they experience it themselves.  That's why I don't feel like it's worthwhile to even try to talk to anyone about it.
Well, I'll continue to try to hold my head up high and keep being as strong as possible though this has really got me down right now inside.