Break Over

Af decided to surprise me a day early.  Then on top of all of it I had severe cramping and I mean on the floor I thought I was going to die cramping.  I have never had to call in sick to work for cramping.  This was on cycle day 2/3 of my cycle.  I didn't know what was going on.  I was passing pieces of bloody tissue at this point.  So in my mind I thought I was having a miscarriage.  Any similar advice would be appreciated??  So after 12 hours of no let up and heavy bleeding, I left a message for the doctor.  The only good thing was I think pretty much all of my swelling went down at this point.  After finally getting in touch with the doctor's office, I immediately went in to see them.  He wanted to check the uterus for scar tissue and blood buildup because he thought that there might be complications from the surgery.  He said that wasn't the case though.  He said he thought it was just a really bad period and gave me some pain pills.  I don't know though.  I tend to think it was just my body still in the healing process.  I ended up bleeding very heavy and for 6 days, very rare for me.  Please if anyone has experienced anything similar, I would really appreciate input?  So I'm continuing on with the cycle because I don't want to waste time as the endo has just been removed.  I'm hoping this hasn't hindered any chances and caused any problems, though I don't have any real answers. 

I'm trying to think of the positives right now to stay hopeful for the next cycle.  It's not been easy.

1.  AF started early, so the break is officially over.  The medicated cycles are started again.  I'm done taking the femara for this cycle.
2.  I need to just let everything from the past go, all bad cycles all bad feelings, let it all go and think positive, nothing but positive thoughts, everything is going to work out one way or another.
3.  The endo is gone for now.  It's a clean slate in there.
4.  We are going on vacation in a few weeks.  So matter what the results are of the first IUI, I'll be on the beach!

Preparing

I'm already preparing for what I know is going to be a rough week.  I'm due for af either tomorrow or Wednesday.  Which even though this is only one month post surgery and we didn't do treatment this month, it's still always a downer when she shows up.  We are also having my MIL's birthday party at our house this weekend.  So they'll be kids galore, even kids staying with us overnight.  I know it's going to make me sad.  His whole family will be here, people I've never meant and I'm already trying to prepare myself for the "When are you having children?" question over and over again.  At least I'll be at home where I can go in my bedroom and have several breakdowns all weekend. 

Please God help me have the strength to hold it together this week and weekend.  I know it won't be easy but please help to guide me through this difficult time as I still have faith in your plan and will embrace every new opportunity this journey may bring.  As they say, God wouldn't give us anything he didn't think we could handle.  So maybe I should be jealous of all the super fertile people.  God gives them children easier because he doesn't think they have the strength to make it through such a difficult journey.  I'm just trying to make myself feel better.  I'm still trying to figure out what the meaning of all this pain is, I know there has to be a reason I'm being put through this super emotional and difficult time.  I guess it helps me in holding it all together.

Random Mix of Emotions

So this entire week I've been having this random mix of emotions that have been going through my head.  I think it's partly my hormones raging and trying to get back on track after the surgery and partly me just being me.

• Frustration - Due to the fact that I'm still waiting for my next period to start and then waiting another cycle to try to conceive again.  Then possibly waiting cycle after cycle after cycle for a bfp and then maybe never getting a bfp.  I keep thinking when do we start IVF, when do we start looking into adoption.  Do we have enough money saved?  I'm driving myself nuts.  I just want to start these cycles again and I just want things to work!
• Anticipation - That maybe this last surgery fixed my issue.  Dr. C said in the last support group that endo eliminates a beta 3 protein that is necessary for implantation and when lap surgery removes endo the beta 3 is immediately restored.  So will having the beta 3 restored and the septum removed fix our implantation problem.  I don't know, but I'm in anticipation to start trying again to find out.  Dr. A told me to have patience though, we could need several cycles for this to work again.  I need to find this patience!
• Guilt - I feel like I've shut down a lot the last few years since I've been dealing with this.  To be honest it's just really hard to deal with and talk about.  It's not that I'm angry at anyone or I don't care but I deal better alone.  To be honest pregnancy announcements anymore make me so depressed.  I feel bad because sometimes it's even hard at family functions because I'm the only one without children.  It's not that I don't love my nieces and nephews, but it's hard to watch everyone interact with their children and desire so bad to have that interaction.  To be honest I feel like I don't fit in anymore at family events, I feel alone and it's hard.  I feel left behind and like a failure.  "The one that can't bring children into the family."  I think some relatives get angry and feel like I cut myself off.   They can't understand the way I feel and nor do I expect them to, but sometimes I wish they'd at least try to look at things in my perspective just a little.  I know it's not healthy to deal with this all alone and this support group is my first step on getting back out there and dealing with this
• Depression - My heart aches with the desire to become a mother.  I can't stand the fact of this never happening.  And me being the planner that I am plays out every what-if scenario in my head.  What-if we go to IVF and that doesn't work, what-if we can't go through with adoption, what if we do adoption and  noone chooses us.  C has to bring me back down to earth and reassure me that we will have a child one way or another and I need to stop overthinking every situation.  I'm so glad he does this because it makes me feel so much better.

As I'm working through all my thousands of emotions right now, I do know that I still do have a glimpse of hope and sometimes more than a glimpse at times.  I also know that I need to let go and it's not up to me.  It' up to God.  And know matter what I do, I can't change God's plan.  No matter what I do it's not going to change that.  So right now I need to focus on myself.  I need to focus on destressing and just letting life take it's course.  I need to start getting back into yoga and meditation.  I've scheduled acupuncture with Dr. C.  And on Mother's Day weekend we are "conveniently" going out of town for a little weekend to ourselves.   It's time to stop trying to control something that has been completely out of my control.