Break Over

Af decided to surprise me a day early.  Then on top of all of it I had severe cramping and I mean on the floor I thought I was going to die cramping.  I have never had to call in sick to work for cramping.  This was on cycle day 2/3 of my cycle.  I didn't know what was going on.  I was passing pieces of bloody tissue at this point.  So in my mind I thought I was having a miscarriage.  Any similar advice would be appreciated??  So after 12 hours of no let up and heavy bleeding, I left a message for the doctor.  The only good thing was I think pretty much all of my swelling went down at this point.  After finally getting in touch with the doctor's office, I immediately went in to see them.  He wanted to check the uterus for scar tissue and blood buildup because he thought that there might be complications from the surgery.  He said that wasn't the case though.  He said he thought it was just a really bad period and gave me some pain pills.  I don't know though.  I tend to think it was just my body still in the healing process.  I ended up bleeding very heavy and for 6 days, very rare for me.  Please if anyone has experienced anything similar, I would really appreciate input?  So I'm continuing on with the cycle because I don't want to waste time as the endo has just been removed.  I'm hoping this hasn't hindered any chances and caused any problems, though I don't have any real answers. 

I'm trying to think of the positives right now to stay hopeful for the next cycle.  It's not been easy.

1.  AF started early, so the break is officially over.  The medicated cycles are started again.  I'm done taking the femara for this cycle.
2.  I need to just let everything from the past go, all bad cycles all bad feelings, let it all go and think positive, nothing but positive thoughts, everything is going to work out one way or another.
3.  The endo is gone for now.  It's a clean slate in there.
4.  We are going on vacation in a few weeks.  So matter what the results are of the first IUI, I'll be on the beach!

Infertility Is Not Me

This month is just dragging and dragging.  I think because I feel like it is just a wasted month in terms of fertility and time is just ticking away.  It kills me to just waste a month like this.  I guess I shouldn't consider it wasting a month, but when we aren't doing fertility treatment I don't consider it trying for a month.  I try to get my mind off of fertility, but find it so hard to do.  Even the things I used to find enjoyable just aren't anymore.  Going shopping isn't fun anymore because I go to the mall and see everyone with their baby strollers and children and it makes me so sad and puts me in a bad mood.  So when I can't do my shopping online and am forced to go to the mall, I try to get in and out and stay focused on the goal of whatever I have to buy.  Dang, I remember when shopping was actually enjoyable.  It's just so depressing not knowing if we'll ever have a family and then we see children all around us.  It's a constant reminder of what we want so bad, but may never have.  It's not fair that we would be such great parents and want this gift so bad.  Some people don't even realize what they have and it just breaks my heart.  I think if everyone had to go through infertility before conceiving, there would be so many better parents out there.
This weekend we had a date weekend at the casino.  We went to dinner and gambled a little.  No kids to make me sad, lol.  But really, it was a great weekend and we were really able to get our minds off of the fertility stuff and focus on us for awhile.  It felt great to just be a couple again.  This month has been relaxing not having to worry about meds and shots, and ultrasounds and follicles, and timing and iuis.  We aren't on the fertility schedule and it really is just what we needed.  When we do go back to treatments, I think we'll need to take a month like this every so often just to enjoy us again.  Noone except infertiles can really understand the toll infertility treatment takes on your body, your mind, your marriage, and just your whole life.  It's exhausting.
This break has made me realize I can't let infertility control my entire life.  I'm going to try and refocus and change this blog a little.  I'm going to stop completely focusing on infertility and focus on other aspects of my life also.  Along with just blogging about infertility, I'm going to also include some fun things.   Obviously, I'll still blog about infertility and infertility topics but I also want to reintroduce new topics to not let infertility completely define me.

On a Break

This third time was not a charm and yet devastating.  That was our third femara cycle and it didn't work.  Usually 3 or 4 cycles of one drug and IUIs are all a dr. likes to do before moving onto something else.  The theory is if that method of treatment is going to work, it's going to work after 3 or 4 cycles.  So now we go on a break and we have decided that surgery is our best option.  We are going to stay with our original re Dr. A for the surgery and then decide what's best after that.  We've started this journey with him and feel we need to give it a little more time.  Since ovulation doesn't seem to be our problem, continuous cycles of drugs just seem to be emotionally and physically draining.  We plan to start on injectable drugs after the surgery but we dont know if we'll stay with IRH for awhile or maybe switch to Dr. C.  We would like to try Dr. C's method of acupuncture, because we think it would be really helpful in relieving stress.  So next month I'll have a laparascopy and septum resection surgery.  The lap will remove any endo which might have grown back.  This should help improve our chances of conceiving, at least for awhile.  The septum surgery scares me a little.  This might take two surgeries to remove the septum which could mean we will be on a break 3 to 4 months.  This will remove the tissue that separates my uterus into two halves, this is most likely causing implantation issues.  There are so many risks involved in this.  Though my uterus may be somewhat "normal" after this.  I will still be high risk if I get pregnant as my uterus will still be more suscepticle to rupture and also can cause other issues after I have the baby as far as bleeding.  But I guess right now the benefits outweigh the risks and it needs to be done.
So after the surgery or surgeries I will have a month or 2 of recovery for my uterus lining to repair and then we can try again.  Then we will most likely move onto expensive injectable drugs.  Oh yea!  More pain and more money.  But hopefully better results.  So hopefully this will improve our chances too, as injectables normally have better conceiving results.  So for now we are on a break and I'm really bummed about that because I feel like this is such wasted time.  Though I do think we need some time off to recoup and enjoy our lives for awhile without having to think about fertility all the time.  It will be nice to just be us again.
This 3rd cycle failure has just been tough, I feel like a lot of hopes and dreams are just diminishing one month at a time.  I thought for sure that I would be pregnant by my birthday when I started these treatments and now with this new setback I know that is not going to happen.  And with Mothers Day looming, I'm just dreading that day of the only one again alone and not knowing if I'll ever overcome this fertility issue.  It's so depressing.  I feel so alone.  Right now we are looking for support groups.  Unfortunately, infertility is such a hush hush issue there aren't many in the area.  I found one but it doesn't start until April or May so we are looking at possibly having to drive to Columbus, but we think it will be worth it.  Well, that's it for now.  There is not much news to come as these next few months are going to be surgery and recovery.

Is the third time a charm?

If not then surgery.  I haven't written in awhile due to a discouraging couple of months. We have had great results from the femara...producing 3 follicles or more, even 5 one month.  We also did iui too with great results but no success. The doctor at the IRH thinks the uterus is septate not bicornuate and that it is causing the issue and it needs to be repaired. This means there is a septum that splits the uterus that can prevent impantation.  It's pretty scary stuff and an intense surgery but the next option due to nothing else working.   Monday we are getting a second opinion from another re Dr C just to make sure.  So we are waiting to see the results from this cycle and still hoping for the best.
It's hard to stay optimistic because I feel like when I get my hopes up too high then it's just a harder let down every month.  And month after month it seems like more and more people are just getting pregnant so easily.  It's so frustrating.  It's not that I'm not happy for them, I just wonder when we are going to have our moment.  And why can't it be that easy for us, why do we have to go through all these treatments and physical and emotional pain?  Why can't we experience the joy like everyone else?  It's hard to keep this pain hidden, noone really understands what we are going through or how hard this is, but noone really could understand unless they experience it themselves.  That's why I don't feel like it's worthwhile to even try to talk to anyone about it.
Well, I'll continue to try to hold my head up high and keep being as strong as possible though this has really got me down right now inside.