Go Reds

Go Reds!!  Our beloved Cincinnati Reds have started off the season 5-0. I can't wait to go to a game this year.  They have a new bar open already at the Banks that is right across from the stadium and it is a lot of fun.  A few other bars are coming to the Banks this summer.  I'm looking forward to warm weather and some outside fun!  I bought both C & I some Reds gear for the year and I can't wait to get it.  I've been in a shopping mood lately, probably not a good thing, but it sure has made me feel a lot better.

Infertility Is Not Me

This month is just dragging and dragging.  I think because I feel like it is just a wasted month in terms of fertility and time is just ticking away.  It kills me to just waste a month like this.  I guess I shouldn't consider it wasting a month, but when we aren't doing fertility treatment I don't consider it trying for a month.  I try to get my mind off of fertility, but find it so hard to do.  Even the things I used to find enjoyable just aren't anymore.  Going shopping isn't fun anymore because I go to the mall and see everyone with their baby strollers and children and it makes me so sad and puts me in a bad mood.  So when I can't do my shopping online and am forced to go to the mall, I try to get in and out and stay focused on the goal of whatever I have to buy.  Dang, I remember when shopping was actually enjoyable.  It's just so depressing not knowing if we'll ever have a family and then we see children all around us.  It's a constant reminder of what we want so bad, but may never have.  It's not fair that we would be such great parents and want this gift so bad.  Some people don't even realize what they have and it just breaks my heart.  I think if everyone had to go through infertility before conceiving, there would be so many better parents out there.
This weekend we had a date weekend at the casino.  We went to dinner and gambled a little.  No kids to make me sad, lol.  But really, it was a great weekend and we were really able to get our minds off of the fertility stuff and focus on us for awhile.  It felt great to just be a couple again.  This month has been relaxing not having to worry about meds and shots, and ultrasounds and follicles, and timing and iuis.  We aren't on the fertility schedule and it really is just what we needed.  When we do go back to treatments, I think we'll need to take a month like this every so often just to enjoy us again.  Noone except infertiles can really understand the toll infertility treatment takes on your body, your mind, your marriage, and just your whole life.  It's exhausting.
This break has made me realize I can't let infertility control my entire life.  I'm going to try and refocus and change this blog a little.  I'm going to stop completely focusing on infertility and focus on other aspects of my life also.  Along with just blogging about infertility, I'm going to also include some fun things.   Obviously, I'll still blog about infertility and infertility topics but I also want to reintroduce new topics to not let infertility completely define me.

On a Break

This third time was not a charm and yet devastating.  That was our third femara cycle and it didn't work.  Usually 3 or 4 cycles of one drug and IUIs are all a dr. likes to do before moving onto something else.  The theory is if that method of treatment is going to work, it's going to work after 3 or 4 cycles.  So now we go on a break and we have decided that surgery is our best option.  We are going to stay with our original re Dr. A for the surgery and then decide what's best after that.  We've started this journey with him and feel we need to give it a little more time.  Since ovulation doesn't seem to be our problem, continuous cycles of drugs just seem to be emotionally and physically draining.  We plan to start on injectable drugs after the surgery but we dont know if we'll stay with IRH for awhile or maybe switch to Dr. C.  We would like to try Dr. C's method of acupuncture, because we think it would be really helpful in relieving stress.  So next month I'll have a laparascopy and septum resection surgery.  The lap will remove any endo which might have grown back.  This should help improve our chances of conceiving, at least for awhile.  The septum surgery scares me a little.  This might take two surgeries to remove the septum which could mean we will be on a break 3 to 4 months.  This will remove the tissue that separates my uterus into two halves, this is most likely causing implantation issues.  There are so many risks involved in this.  Though my uterus may be somewhat "normal" after this.  I will still be high risk if I get pregnant as my uterus will still be more suscepticle to rupture and also can cause other issues after I have the baby as far as bleeding.  But I guess right now the benefits outweigh the risks and it needs to be done.
So after the surgery or surgeries I will have a month or 2 of recovery for my uterus lining to repair and then we can try again.  Then we will most likely move onto expensive injectable drugs.  Oh yea!  More pain and more money.  But hopefully better results.  So hopefully this will improve our chances too, as injectables normally have better conceiving results.  So for now we are on a break and I'm really bummed about that because I feel like this is such wasted time.  Though I do think we need some time off to recoup and enjoy our lives for awhile without having to think about fertility all the time.  It will be nice to just be us again.
This 3rd cycle failure has just been tough, I feel like a lot of hopes and dreams are just diminishing one month at a time.  I thought for sure that I would be pregnant by my birthday when I started these treatments and now with this new setback I know that is not going to happen.  And with Mothers Day looming, I'm just dreading that day of the only one again alone and not knowing if I'll ever overcome this fertility issue.  It's so depressing.  I feel so alone.  Right now we are looking for support groups.  Unfortunately, infertility is such a hush hush issue there aren't many in the area.  I found one but it doesn't start until April or May so we are looking at possibly having to drive to Columbus, but we think it will be worth it.  Well, that's it for now.  There is not much news to come as these next few months are going to be surgery and recovery.