Break Over

Af decided to surprise me a day early.  Then on top of all of it I had severe cramping and I mean on the floor I thought I was going to die cramping.  I have never had to call in sick to work for cramping.  This was on cycle day 2/3 of my cycle.  I didn't know what was going on.  I was passing pieces of bloody tissue at this point.  So in my mind I thought I was having a miscarriage.  Any similar advice would be appreciated??  So after 12 hours of no let up and heavy bleeding, I left a message for the doctor.  The only good thing was I think pretty much all of my swelling went down at this point.  After finally getting in touch with the doctor's office, I immediately went in to see them.  He wanted to check the uterus for scar tissue and blood buildup because he thought that there might be complications from the surgery.  He said that wasn't the case though.  He said he thought it was just a really bad period and gave me some pain pills.  I don't know though.  I tend to think it was just my body still in the healing process.  I ended up bleeding very heavy and for 6 days, very rare for me.  Please if anyone has experienced anything similar, I would really appreciate input?  So I'm continuing on with the cycle because I don't want to waste time as the endo has just been removed.  I'm hoping this hasn't hindered any chances and caused any problems, though I don't have any real answers. 

I'm trying to think of the positives right now to stay hopeful for the next cycle.  It's not been easy.

1.  AF started early, so the break is officially over.  The medicated cycles are started again.  I'm done taking the femara for this cycle.
2.  I need to just let everything from the past go, all bad cycles all bad feelings, let it all go and think positive, nothing but positive thoughts, everything is going to work out one way or another.
3.  The endo is gone for now.  It's a clean slate in there.
4.  We are going on vacation in a few weeks.  So matter what the results are of the first IUI, I'll be on the beach!

God's Plan

So as we all know Sunday is the most dreaded day of the year for almost all infertile girls.  I loathe this holiday every year, and this year is no different.  Should I say it, I hate to even say it, Mother's Day.  It's an annual reminder of the fact that I'm infertile and can't be a mom, but it feels like everyone else is.  As everyone celebrates with their children, there I sit alone again another year, with just my furbaby.  Whom I love, but it's not the same.  I love my mom to pieces, but I still hate the holiday.  Not because I have a bad mother-daughter relationship.  Our relationship is fabulous, but I hate the reminder that I'm 31 and no kids again.  So what are we doing, heading out of town and forgetting about the whole holiday. Yes, we are going away for the weekend, just C and I.  I'm going to focus on us this weekend and forget about this whole mom's day thing. 

Right now instead of focusing on the negative, I want to focus on the positive experiences going on in our lives.

• I had my post-op appointment last week and we are good to go to start treatment on the start of my next cycle.  The endo was only stage I, very minimal, and it's gone (at least for now).  The septate was half my uterus and then my uterus is still bicornuate.  The septum is gone which could have been causing implantation problems and the endo is gone which could have been causing implantation and egg quality problems.  The doctor is very optimistic and thinks we can just start out with femara and iui's again.  So that leads me to have some optimism too, because with his experience I'm pretty sure he's seen it all.  He's not going to sugar coat anything for us.  If he has hope, then so do I.
• My last cycle started right on time 28 days surprisingly after the surgery.  I'll be ready to start treatment at the end of May!
• Our support group has helped so much.  I enjoy meeting with the girls and couples every week and it's so nice to have support from people who truly understand.  I love the fact we are all there to support each other through this difficult journey.  We've also been able to receive a ton of information about different aspects of infertility, local doctors, local adoption agencies, etc.
• I truly believe that this is all in God's plan for us.  As I sit in reflect on infertility, instead of constantly asking "Why me?" anymore, I'm slowly but surely coming to realize that this is just a journey that God is taking us through.  In the end, we will have a family, maybe naturally, maybe through adoption, but we will have the end result we want.  God gave me these infertility issues for a reason.  And thinking through it all, God maybe did this to help me out of the first horribly, abusive relationship I was in prior and to bring me to my true soulmate, C.  Without infertility, I may not have ever been able to find my true love.  And now maybe it has continued because I found this support group and we are continuing to support each other.  Maybe God wanted me to be there to support others and meet these other incredibly strong, amazing people for a reason.  God is having us wait for a reason, I'm not exactly sure for what reason yet but I know there is a plan.  I'm developing a better relationship with C and myself and with God as I continue through this journey to our family.
• This 3 month break was just what the doctor ordered for C and I's relationship.  I feel like we have reconnected and our back on the same page with everything.  I feel great about going into treatment in a few months and think I can handle it without being too much of an emotional disaster.  Let me emphasize the too much, I'm sure I'll be emotional at times throughout our continued journey.  But I'm hoping maybe I can deal with things a little better this time around.

Random Mix of Emotions

So this entire week I've been having this random mix of emotions that have been going through my head.  I think it's partly my hormones raging and trying to get back on track after the surgery and partly me just being me.

• Frustration - Due to the fact that I'm still waiting for my next period to start and then waiting another cycle to try to conceive again.  Then possibly waiting cycle after cycle after cycle for a bfp and then maybe never getting a bfp.  I keep thinking when do we start IVF, when do we start looking into adoption.  Do we have enough money saved?  I'm driving myself nuts.  I just want to start these cycles again and I just want things to work!
• Anticipation - That maybe this last surgery fixed my issue.  Dr. C said in the last support group that endo eliminates a beta 3 protein that is necessary for implantation and when lap surgery removes endo the beta 3 is immediately restored.  So will having the beta 3 restored and the septum removed fix our implantation problem.  I don't know, but I'm in anticipation to start trying again to find out.  Dr. A told me to have patience though, we could need several cycles for this to work again.  I need to find this patience!
• Guilt - I feel like I've shut down a lot the last few years since I've been dealing with this.  To be honest it's just really hard to deal with and talk about.  It's not that I'm angry at anyone or I don't care but I deal better alone.  To be honest pregnancy announcements anymore make me so depressed.  I feel bad because sometimes it's even hard at family functions because I'm the only one without children.  It's not that I don't love my nieces and nephews, but it's hard to watch everyone interact with their children and desire so bad to have that interaction.  To be honest I feel like I don't fit in anymore at family events, I feel alone and it's hard.  I feel left behind and like a failure.  "The one that can't bring children into the family."  I think some relatives get angry and feel like I cut myself off.   They can't understand the way I feel and nor do I expect them to, but sometimes I wish they'd at least try to look at things in my perspective just a little.  I know it's not healthy to deal with this all alone and this support group is my first step on getting back out there and dealing with this
• Depression - My heart aches with the desire to become a mother.  I can't stand the fact of this never happening.  And me being the planner that I am plays out every what-if scenario in my head.  What-if we go to IVF and that doesn't work, what-if we can't go through with adoption, what if we do adoption and  noone chooses us.  C has to bring me back down to earth and reassure me that we will have a child one way or another and I need to stop overthinking every situation.  I'm so glad he does this because it makes me feel so much better.

As I'm working through all my thousands of emotions right now, I do know that I still do have a glimpse of hope and sometimes more than a glimpse at times.  I also know that I need to let go and it's not up to me.  It' up to God.  And know matter what I do, I can't change God's plan.  No matter what I do it's not going to change that.  So right now I need to focus on myself.  I need to focus on destressing and just letting life take it's course.  I need to start getting back into yoga and meditation.  I've scheduled acupuncture with Dr. C.  And on Mother's Day weekend we are "conveniently" going out of town for a little weekend to ourselves.   It's time to stop trying to control something that has been completely out of my control.

Surgery Update

Here is a recap on the surgery last Friday.   On Thursday before the Surgery, I went in for my pre-op appointment with Dr. A.  He was excellent in explaining the surgery in detail and even showed us a video of how he would be cutting the septum out of the uterus.  He then measured my cervix which caused a little cramping but nothing horrible and checked the softness of the cervix.  He said everything looked good and I was in good shape for the surgery.  I was given a prescription for vicodin and also a cervix softener which would help with the hysteroscopy.
So Thursday evening I took the cervix softener before bed and it did cause some cramping throughout the night, sometimes intense.  I did have to take a tylenol to try to ease the pain, which didn't help much.  By Friday morning, I still had some mild cramping and was ready to just get to the hospital and get the surgery over with. 
On Friday, my surgery was scheduled at 11:00 am so I had to arrive around 9:30.  They took me back pretty much right away and started prepping me for the surgery.  I did ask the anestheseiologist for an anti-nausea medication to help with my post-op nausea.  He was very nice and accomodating and told me he'd create a good cocktail for me. :)  The surgery started a little late because of other morning surgeries lasting longer than expected.  So we just hung out in the pre-op room for a little longer, which was fine these rooms were comfortable, private and had tv's.  Much nicer than some of the other pre-op rooms/spaces I've been in.  Dr. A came in before the surgery to talk to me and another doctor that would be working with him.
The surgery lasted about 1 1/2 hours and went very smoothly.  When I woke up, I was in a significant amount of pain and my blood pressure was so low I couldn't have pain meds until it went up.  That had to be the worst part.  Low blood pressure is not uncommon for me so I was not very surprised.  Once I got the pain meds, I started to feel better almost immediately.  I was obviously still sore and was very tired from all the meds.  They kept me there for awhile watching my blood pressure and giving me more meds as I was very light-headed everytime I sat up, but eventually I was able to get dressed and go home about 5 pm. 
I haven't talked to Dr. A yet and my post-op isn't for a couple of weeks, but here are the results that he relayed to C and my mom.  Dr. A said he was very optimistic after the surgery :)  He removed the septum, it was a septate uterus and he removed it all in 1 surgery, I was very happy!  But there was also a bicornuate uterus still there, from what they told me a small dip in the top of the uterus and this was muscle so he couldn't cut into that obviously.  I had endometriosis on both my ovaries that he removed, but I didn't have it anywhere else.  So he said he felt very positive after this and actually wants to keep me on the femara since I had such a great response to that drug.  He doesn't feel a need at this point to move on to anything else and said I just need to be patient.  He said he knows it's difficult to be patient because we've already been waiting so long but it takes a normal couple with no problems 6 - 8 months to conceive.  So patience is the key.  He said I need to have one normal cycle and then we can start ttc again.  So I'm estimating probably about June sometime.  I'm definitely happy we stayed with Dr. A and I think we will continue treatment with him.  I was very pleased with his bedside manner before and after the surgery (with the family).  I also think we made the right decision with surgery and also for the first time in awhile am optimistic about what may come.  I just pray that this was the answer to our problem and it's just a matter of months now.  I'm looking forward to the post-op appointment so I can see the pictures and talk more in depth about everything. 

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month

With March being endometriosis awareness month, I wanted to bring a little more attention to the disease that most people have little or no understanding of.
Endometriosis affects an estimated 1 in 10 women during their "reproductive years".  This is approximately 176 million women worlwide, who have endometriosis.  Endometriosis occurs when tissue, similar to the lining of the womb (uterus) grows in other areas of the body. This tissue grows mainly in the abdominal cavity.  The tissue is linked to the woman’s hormonal cycle. However, unlike a period, the tissue remains within the body and bleeds forming adhesions (scar tissue), lesions and blood-filled cysts.
Doctors remain unsure as to the definitive cause of Endometriosis, which can only be diagnosed through surgery, though studies indicate that genetics, immune dysfunction and exposure to environmental toxicants may be contributing factors.  The economic impact of Endometriosis is staggering: businesses lose, literally, *billions* of dollars each year in lost productivity and work time because of the disease.  Endometriosis is more than just “painful periods.”  The disease remains misdiagnosed, misunderstood and ineffectively treated, despite being one of the most prevalent causes of hysterectomy, infertility and pelvic pain in women and girls around the globe. 
There is no absolute cure for this disease, just treatments to help including birth control, hormone therapy, and surgery.  It is not unusual for a patient to undergo repeated surgeries and embark on different medical therapies; none offering long-term relief and many carrying highly negative side effects. 

I will be undergoing my second lap next month to treat endo (2 surgeries in less than 3 years).  Hopefully it will be my last but we just don't know, as the endo may continue to grow.  We can always hope for a cure. 

Decisions Decisions

The meeting wih Dr. C went well, I really liked his views and philosophies.  He was very knowledgable but now says I need an MRI to determine if my uterus is bicornuate or septate. And he wants me to wait on surgery and continue with more cycles of fertility drugs and IUIs, possibly injectables.  I'm just not crazy about this idea because it seems like we are getting great response from the meds but we have not yet detected what the problem is with the uterus or possibly more endo.  I really do not want to spend a lot of money on injectables before knowing if the endo is gone or if there is a uterus malformation.  The injectables could cost us close to $600 or more a month. 
I think right now I know more about fertility than I ever wanted to know and now making decisions is so much harder. I understand the reproductive system better than anyone who's had a baby, there's something wrong with that.   The good news is 7 day post ovulation progesterone level came back at 60.1.  This is great, very high, which means I ovulated probably all 3 follicles.   This also means I don't need to use those progesterone supplements I used last month.  The side effects of those were just horrible.  So the sperm counts are great and the eggs are there which leads me to believe again the uterine environment is just not viable. Ugh why oh why can't this be easy.

New Year New Hope

We had a great New Year just celebrating the two of us in Indy, we went to dinner and then stayed in a hotel.  It was nice to celebrate alone and do our own thing for our first New Years together.  I couldn't really drink a whole lot so there was no reason to go out and make big plans.  So a nice relaxing New Years was just what we needed. 
So the first try didn't work, but though it was a little disappointing I'm still trying to stay positive as most of the time I don't think it does.  So it's on to the next cycle.  The side effects have ramped up, the headaches are sometimes unbearable, the ovary cramping at the beginning of the cycle is not fun, and the hot flashes just add to it all.
So I've started a new diet and exercise plan.  I'm still trying to spin as much as possible and do my moderate work outs like elliptical more often since those are less intense and I'm doing yoga again.  That makes me feel a lot better, though these workouts are a lot harder to get through because my body doesn't like them as much, they do make me feel a little better.  And now I'm on the Endo diet that is supposed to help suppress the hormones that cause Endo.  So no red meat, no caffeine, no dairy (well at least cutting back), no alcohol (I've cut back to a glass or 2 of wine a week).  Ugh but all these lifestyle changes right now are so hard because I feel like I don't know if they are helping or not.
I find out in 2 days how many follicles I have this cycle and then we move on from there, just trying to stay positive.

Let's Start the Rx

The visit with the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) at the Institute for Reproductive Health went well.  He seemed optimistic.  Not sure if he has that attitude with everyone, but I'm going to take that as a positive for now.  Any positives in this process are needed.  So he doesn't want to do another lap right now.  (I had a laproscopy 2 years ago to laser out the endometriosis. It's minimally invasive, they cut me open with three small scars and got rid of all the endometriosis and an endometrioma cyst on my right ovary, but the recovery was a little rough.  So needless to say if I don't have to have another one immediately I'm glad for that).  So I've already had an hsg years ago, which is a test where they shoot dye through your tubes and uterus to make sure nothing is blocked, that came back clear years ago so he's not doing another one of those either.  So we get to start right into treatment, which I'm pretty happy about, no more tests as of now at least.
So today I start 5 days of a drug called Femara, it's actually a drug approved for breast cancer and not yet fda approved for fertility yet.  But he said the results are comparable to clomid and the side effects are way less, including less of a chance of multiples.  The nice thing is our insurance covered this drug, we only had to pay for the Ovidrel injection, which considering our insurance is covering all our doctor appointments also, I really can't complain.  So the doctor said on the ultrasound he did last week that my follicles looked small, this drug is supposed to develop these follicles to maturity and ready them for ovulation.  We are not going to go right into IUI (artificial insemination) yet as long as his counts all come back good, because we'd really like to keep this process as natural as we can all considered :)  So now I just take these drugs and we pray for good follicles.

Our Journey Begins Today

Today, we have our first appointment with Dr. A at the Institute for Reproductive Health.  We’ve only been married a month, but previously I’ve been diagnosed and treated for endometriosis and also have a rare bicornuate uterus.  Both these conditions make it much more difficult for us to conceive and maintain a pregnancy.  Most likely conceiving naturally is not an option for us, so we need to find out which infertility treatment is best suited for my condition.  Also we both need to receive all the testing for any other conditions that might be preventing us from conceiving.  So with these struggles ahead, we don’t want to wait too long to begin the long journey we know we have ahead of us.  I've also been having a lot of pain with the endometriosis most likely redeveloping, so we want to see how we can get pregnant ASAP because it will apparantely clear up the endometriosis and help with the pain and stop it from developing further.  I've also already developed an ovarian cyst that has also been causing pain and maybe preventing ovulation.

I'm really nervous to hear what the doctor is going to say.  I know that there isn't a miracle drug or treatment to help us get pregnant, I just hope they can help to provide a treatment for my condition that can give us some hope.  It's hard because it seems like everyone gets pregnant at the drop of the hat, and it's just not the easy for us.  We are so happy for everyone around us, but it's difficult because we don't know if we'll ever have a child of our own.  Infertility is a disease but it's also one of the most difficult mental struggles anyone can experience.  The constant roller coaster mentally along with the physical toll it takes on your body can just really bring you down emotionally.  It's hard for me because I don't know a lot of people personally who can relate to this.  I find comfort in watching Bill and Guillana, lol.  Watching their infertility struggle, sometimes makes me feel less alone for some reason.  I can relate to what she is going through and know that I'm not the only one out there. 

So we will continue to pray for what God thinks is best for us as Chuck likes to say.  And I agree God will decide what is best for us and take us on the right path for us.  I'm nervous and anxious for this appointment today and am hoping for the best as our journey really begins now.