Updated Blog

I'm moving to a new blog that my family and friends can follow along with also.  Please follow this new blog...

http://mcfarlandbabysteps.blogspot.com/

Warning:  The blog is a continuation of our journey, but will be documenting the baby now too.  It will have some pregnancy related info and photos.  If you don't want to follow along, I completely understand and won't be offended.  I just wanted to create a site where our family and friends could be updated on the baby's progress too.  We don't want to post pics and excessive updates on facebook, so we thought a blog would be the best way.

One Healthy Hearbeat

One healthy beautiful heartbeat!  Sadly the twin was actually a vanishing twin and the other sac was much smaller and could barely be seen.  I am so grateful for our one healthy baby, we were able to see and hear the heartbeat.  Which was absolutely amazing!  I'm 9 weeks today, so I'm still in that nervous stage.  I'm worried about the quality of my uterus after the septum resection and just hoping everything is going to be okay.  I was released from the RE today.  Graduating from their office was bittersweet.  I'm going to miss the staff there, but I'm definitely not going to miss infertility treatment.  I have my next appointment with my regular OB in 4 weeks, which seems like forever.  I'm not going to be able to see my baby for 4 weeks.  I'm going to be so nervous for the remainder of the first trimester.   I feel so blessed right now, God is good.

One Maybe Two

We had our first ultrasound last week and I'm still a little in shock.  We had 2 sacs, but could only see 1 baby and 1 heartbeat in one of the sacs.  The empty sac looked a lot smaller than the other one.  We are not sure if it's a sac that didn't develop or we just couldn't see anything yet because it's so early.  I would have been about 6 weeks and 3 days at that point.  So the doctor said there is a 50/50 chance we are having twins!  I didn't expect that, but I'm excited.  It took a few days for the news to settle in and next week we'll know for sure if it's twins or just one.  I was relieved to see at least one heartbeat but am a little concerned about the empty sac.  This is going to be a long week waiting for the next ultrasound.

Cautiously Happy

I called the doctor and they wanted me to find a lab in FL to have my first beta.  It was kind of a wild goose chase trying to find a hospital or lab on Saturday where the doctor could fax the order down.  We eventually found somewhere to run the test.  My first beta came back at 161 mIU/hcg!  That was 14 days post ovulation and the nurse said that number is really good.  So now it's official I'm pregnant and I'm excited!  I'm definitely a little cautious as I know I'm still in the early stages and I know I'm not completely out of the woods yet.  I still want to enjoy the excitement right now and just be happy.  In 2 weeks, I have my first scan and visit with Dr. A.  I can't wait for that.  We will continue to pray for the health of our baby as we are so thankful for this little miracle.  I also want to thank everyone for their well wishes and prayers.  I really appreciate keeping us in your thoughts and prayers right now.

Am I dreaming?

I tested early, which I know I know, I'm not supposed to do that.  I just couldn't resist.  I had a feeling, a feeling that this may be it, a feeling that I needed to test.  To my surprise, there it is was a second line.  I was so used to seeing stark white pregnancy tests that I was in disbelief.  It was faint but it was there.  I had to confirm with C to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me.  But they weren't, that faint little line was there!  Now I'm 11 dpo and my third positive test is shown below.  You may have to look real close, but that second line is there.  I promise you it is. 

I have a million thoughts, emotions and feelings running through my mind right now that I'm still trying to process.  I don't want to get too excited as I know that this could end up chemical and be a total letdown.  I still need to go to the doctor and have a blood test to confirm.  Unfortunately, I leave tomorrow for FL and I won't be able to get the test done until I get home.  I'm so happy and excited, but yet have so many worries about the pregnancy.  I can't wait until I can actually see that little heartbeat.  I think I need that confirmation in order to believe that this is really all real and not a fantasy.  But for now I'm pregnant...and I'm happy.

Something to Laugh At

Now if only I would have just listened to this at-home advice maybe I could just boost my fertility.  Thanks to the Bump for sending me this today.  Who needs doctors or medications, as the bump suggest I just need to eat healthy, stay calm, and not smoke then I can increase my fertility.  What a joke?  Must have been written by some super fertile woman who thinks she has solved the mystery to infertility.  I despise getting these nonsense articles in my inbox from people who have no concept of infertility treatments what-so-ever. 

Below is how the link to the article is worded and the link.  I'm just glad the Bump has told me that I don't need doctors or drugs.  I mean we just all love throwing our money away on something we don't need right? When all we really needed to do was stay calm.

6 all-natural fertility boosters

Now you can boost your fertility without any doctors or drugs -- and the best part? You don't even need to leave your house to do it. Read on for these six easy lifestyle changes that up your chances of seeing that BFP. (And hey, you'll have an excuse to get an uber-relaxing massage!) Boost your fertility now

Here We Go Again

This past week I had my follicle check or as I like to call it my egg hatching check to see how many eggs I'm going to lay this month.  I have to find some humor in the monthly follicle check appointments.  So I have 3 mature follicles ready to go.  They are surprisingly on my left side this month.  Normally my right side takes dominance but this month it's my left.  This is probably a good thing because my left side seems to have less scar tissue and less damaged.   The IUI went smoothly 2 days later and now we wait.  C's counts were better than usual.  His counts/motility, etc are normally pretty good, but this month even better than normal.  I think it's because he stopped taking some of the supplements the embryologist in our group told him were really bad for him.  The sad part is when we picked up the paper and specimen from the lab I can now read the whole semen analysis and I said wow that's great and Dr. A said the same.   Dr A said it was the best he'd seen the whole day! :)  Some good news.  So if it doesn't work it's all my fault, just kidding!  Again I'm learning way more about fertility than I ever wanted to know though.  I wish we were just one of those couples who could conceive the old fashioned way, I sometimes envy them.  Oh well, I always say God could have given us worse things in life.  This is what we have in our plan and others' plans our different, but I'm sure not everyone's has  the perfect plan either.  There are always obstacles in life.  But doesn't it feel like when you are TTC everyone else just has it so much easier because they don't have to deal with this same issue.  I'm sure that's not the case, but I feel that way sometimes.  It just seems so unfair.  Everything is in God's hands now and I must tell myself to let it go.  It's not in my control.  I'm trying to not be as obsessive this month either.  I'm not taking every little supplement/vitamin I ever heard would work and I'm not obssessing that I have to be at yoga or have to do this on this day.  It's not in my control and I can't change that.  This was actually the 3rd IUI (4th month on meds), so maybe the 3rd time is a charm.  I just need to find a way to deal with the disappointment this month if it's not our time yet.

Break Over

Af decided to surprise me a day early.  Then on top of all of it I had severe cramping and I mean on the floor I thought I was going to die cramping.  I have never had to call in sick to work for cramping.  This was on cycle day 2/3 of my cycle.  I didn't know what was going on.  I was passing pieces of bloody tissue at this point.  So in my mind I thought I was having a miscarriage.  Any similar advice would be appreciated??  So after 12 hours of no let up and heavy bleeding, I left a message for the doctor.  The only good thing was I think pretty much all of my swelling went down at this point.  After finally getting in touch with the doctor's office, I immediately went in to see them.  He wanted to check the uterus for scar tissue and blood buildup because he thought that there might be complications from the surgery.  He said that wasn't the case though.  He said he thought it was just a really bad period and gave me some pain pills.  I don't know though.  I tend to think it was just my body still in the healing process.  I ended up bleeding very heavy and for 6 days, very rare for me.  Please if anyone has experienced anything similar, I would really appreciate input?  So I'm continuing on with the cycle because I don't want to waste time as the endo has just been removed.  I'm hoping this hasn't hindered any chances and caused any problems, though I don't have any real answers. 

I'm trying to think of the positives right now to stay hopeful for the next cycle.  It's not been easy.

1.  AF started early, so the break is officially over.  The medicated cycles are started again.  I'm done taking the femara for this cycle.
2.  I need to just let everything from the past go, all bad cycles all bad feelings, let it all go and think positive, nothing but positive thoughts, everything is going to work out one way or another.
3.  The endo is gone for now.  It's a clean slate in there.
4.  We are going on vacation in a few weeks.  So matter what the results are of the first IUI, I'll be on the beach!

1 Picture

 

2 Songs

I love so many songs so it's hard to pick just 2.

1.  Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat (this was our wedding song)
2.  Just Breathe by Pearl Jam (one of my favorite songs recently and my all time favorite band)

Preparing

I'm already preparing for what I know is going to be a rough week.  I'm due for af either tomorrow or Wednesday.  Which even though this is only one month post surgery and we didn't do treatment this month, it's still always a downer when she shows up.  We are also having my MIL's birthday party at our house this weekend.  So they'll be kids galore, even kids staying with us overnight.  I know it's going to make me sad.  His whole family will be here, people I've never meant and I'm already trying to prepare myself for the "When are you having children?" question over and over again.  At least I'll be at home where I can go in my bedroom and have several breakdowns all weekend. 

Please God help me have the strength to hold it together this week and weekend.  I know it won't be easy but please help to guide me through this difficult time as I still have faith in your plan and will embrace every new opportunity this journey may bring.  As they say, God wouldn't give us anything he didn't think we could handle.  So maybe I should be jealous of all the super fertile people.  God gives them children easier because he doesn't think they have the strength to make it through such a difficult journey.  I'm just trying to make myself feel better.  I'm still trying to figure out what the meaning of all this pain is, I know there has to be a reason I'm being put through this super emotional and difficult time.  I guess it helps me in holding it all together.

3 Films

So today is 3 films.  There are a lot of movies I like so I'm just going to list 3 that come to mind.

1.  The Blind Side

2.  13 Going on 30

3.  Eat Pray Love (I would really like to read the book next)

4 TV Shows

Sorry I've gotten behind on this.  Today is 4 books and I have to admit I'm not much of a reader though I'd like to be. So I'm changing it to 4 TV Shows.  I know that is bad, but I'd rather list 4 tv shows than books.

1.  How I Met Your Mother

2.  American Idol

3.  Bill and Giuliana

4.  The Office

Patience is a Virtue

"ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO HE WHO WAITS"

I'm trying to be patient but it's becoming really hard.  I'm having one of those days where I feel like everyone is pregnant or has children except me.  I love my infertility support group but lately on the board there's been a lot of pregnancy announcements.  I'm so thrilled for all of them, they deserve it more than anyone.  But deep down I wonder "Am I going to be the lone infertile left".  Because I feel that way right now.  And I'm back on Facebook in order to be a part of the group, and damn you facebook.  It's a constant reminder of everyone is pregnant or has their family and I get to see all their repetitive pictures, Yay Me!  They need a special facebook filter for people struggling with infertility.  Please block all annoying pregnant women who feel the need to update about every aspect of their pregnancy and give us a day by day update.  We know your pregnant you've told us everyday.  Also block constant photos of children from the day they were born and everyday after.  Some photos of your children are fine, but there needs to be a limit.  I don't need to see every minute of the kid's life.  I don't care.  Facebook can you make this happen so people like me struggling can actually log in to your site without wanting to throw myself off a bridge afterwards.  Thanks.

So one more week and I will start my period and be moving onto my next cycle.  I can already feel a little cramping starting, so I know she's on her way.  I just love how she has to let me know a week in advance, isn't that nice of her to give me the notice of her arrival.  I was just hoping this cramping would stop with the endo gone but I guess not.  It makes me worried that something else is wrong.  I'm just trying to find the patience within myself.  I know this is going to take time and I need to embrace God's plan.  But it's so hard.  I want it right now, I feel like I've waited long enough.  I can't endure anymore pregnancy announcements or baby showers or kids' birthday parties.  Haven't I suffered long enough, I'll be 32 in 2 weeks.  I just want my happily ever after.  I want to start my family.  I have so many plans and I feel like they are on hold.  I just need to find the strength to start these cycles with an open mind and hopeful heart. 

5 Foods

Five Favorite Foods:

1.  Mexican food particularly tacos and queso
2.  Fondue especially chocotate fondue
3.  Filet Mignon
4.  Grouper
5.  Tuna salad

6 Places

6 Places I'd love to visit:

1.  Greece

2.  Paris

3.  Bahamas

4.  Italy
5.  Aruba
6.  Cabo

Needle Me

Who would of thought getting poked with needles could be so relaxing?  C & I did acupuncture last night and it was amazing.  I think I enjoyed it more than C.  I had what he calls the dragon treatment.  It is supposed to help with stress and he said a lot of his patients get pregnant just by having the dragons done on them.  Let's hope.  He needled from head to toe particularly in my abdomen region, probably because that is where I need the most energy flow and release of blockages.  I could feel the needles going in but then they didn't hurt at all.  He applied heat and then left the room so I could relax and just enjoy.  It really is relaxing and afterwards I felt calm and somewhat sleepy.   I would definitely recommend acupuncture just for the help with de-stressing and starting new.  I think it was the perfect time to have the treatment because we will be starting fresh in less than 2 weeks.  I want to have a clear mind and put all previous fertility treatments behind me.

7 Wants

Today is my 7 wants...

1.  Obviously I want a healthy baby and the sooner the better ;)
2.  I really want to experience pregnancy but mostly I just want a family
3.  I want good health for all my family
4.  I want to go on a relaxing vacation and take a break from work
5.  I want to just feel happiness and peace.  I want to be content with my life.
6.  I want to have the best marriage possible.  I don't want my marriage to be compromised from infertility, I want it to become stronger.
7.  I want to not hold grudges anymore.  I want to move on from the past and truly put it behind me.  I want to forgive and forget or just forget and start the next chapter of my life.

8 Fears

My eight fears:

1.  Well obviously #1 would be the fear of never having children/family
2.  Heights - I hate them
3.  Flying - I really don't like flying it makes me nervous but the end result is always worth it.
4.  Spiders/Roaches - Really any kind of bug or rodent - I'm scared of them
5.  Fear of something bad happening to a close family member or friends/ I always worry about their safety and fear something happening to them.
6.  Fear of not making the right decisions.  Right now I have a fear of whether or not I'm being treated by the right doctor or should I switch.  I want to make sure I'm doing everything right to improve my chances.
7.  Fear of losing my dog.  I can't imagine my life without her, especially right now.  She keeps me sane during this journey.
8.  Fear of failure, not just infertility related but failure in every aspect of my life.

9 Loves

1.  My husband

2.  My dog

3.  Mexican food

4.  Yoga

5.  Listening to the rain while I sleep

6.  Starbucks - skinny vanilla lattes are my favorite

7.  Clothes and purses - I love to shop
8.  Pearl Jam, (Eddie Vedder)
9.  The beach and the ocean
10. The Bengals even though they suck right now